Americans finally considering GW trade to Baghdad

By: Den Cotton

Politics can be a lot like sports, but not nearly enough — as far as I’m concerned — when it comes to hiring and firing of the people who manage the land; your land; my land.

When someone isn’t getting the job done in baseball — batting average dropping below .200 — they usually get benched or traded. If you’re a star, it’s a different story — because then, you have already proven yourself, people trust you, and you have respect. Slumps happen, and you’ll probably bounce back. Otherwise, we’ll see you in the minors — or perhaps your career is just over.

When it comes to politics — the commander in chief specifically, the general manager — we have to endure the strikeouts in the clutch for four consecutive years unless someone is, of course, “not a crook.” And sometimes you might get fired for just being involved in a scandal of Lewinskian proportions. Which makes me wonder if Bill Clinton was using performance-enhancing drugs.

So what if we could trade George W. Bush to another nation?

See, the problem is we could only release him, because chances are, we couldn’t get any draft picks, cash, or governors to be named later. Most civilized countries just wouldn’t come to the table on it. Well, we could probably get that loose cannon from North Korea I guess. But we’re not in the business of even trades at the moment.

Perhaps we could demote Bush instead?

“Look Dubya, they need a mayor back down in Salome, West Texas.” (Everyone keep it quiet that Salome is a fictional town from the movie Tin Cup. )

No wait, I change my mind. We should be able to fire him in the middle of the season — just like big league managers. “Sorry, G.W., but our country is 27 games out of first place … we need to bring in someone fresh to tinker with the lineup.”

Bush’s run in the White House is worse than the Cubs; he’s not even lovable.

We all need to find our inner Steinbrenner — just clean house every once in a while — and be totally hostile in putting together a better team, no matter what it takes. Sure, the Steinbrenners are meddlesome — perhaps a little misguided — but at least passionate about the team.

New Yorkers are the perfect protesters. They don’t put up with a debacle whether it’s a point guard, head coach, manager or president. You think Isiah Thomas could possibly come back for one more term after the years he had? Joe Torre got canned for making the playoffs 12 straight seasons.

That’s the problem with us as Americans. We’re not vocal enough when it comes to politics; we’re the owners, remember? So let’s go out and hire Theo Epstein away from the Red Sox and maybe we can end the curse of the “Dumbino.” Until then, I guess we’ll just sit around having profanity-laced tirades that only Ozzie Guillen and Lee Elia could muster during a bad streak.

While there are a few devoted American patriots, there aren’t nearly enough carrying the “Fire Bush” signs at home games in Washington. I guess most of us can’t afford the gas to get up there — or perhaps are out of the country dodging car bombs.

I’m Den Cotton and I approve this message.

“Dissent is the highest form of patriotism”

– Howard Zinn

Tags: Baghdad, Bill Clinton, Boston Red Sox, chicago cubs, chicago white sox, Curse of the Bambino, Democratic Primary, George W. Bush, Howard Zinn, Iraq, Iraq War, Isiah Thomas, Joe Torre, MLB, Monica Lewinsky, NBA, New York Knicks, New York Yankees, Original Zinn, Richard Nixon, Steinbrenner, Theo Epstein, Tin Cup

Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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