IMHO: I’m a cranky, old bastard

By: Den Cotton

First of all, let me start by saying that I am not LMAO right now. In fact, I want to kick you in your chuckling ass every time I get a reply via e-mail with Internet slang, jargon, shorthand, Tech-talk, Netspeak, Nu English, computer language or any other cutesy phrase that has been promulgated to describe this form of communication; or laziness as we called it back in my day when the teacher slapped you upside the head and told you to act right, damn it!

While we are on the subject of annoying technology, let me also tell you that instant replay in sports is a pain in my (!). You and your sports cronies think it makes the game so much better because referees will get the calls right — even though they still, sometimes, get it wrong. And it only delays my hip and groin therapy; and that makes me get a little crotchety.

Sorry, life is hard pal. The ref just FUBAR’ed your little fan party. Your team lost. Sometimes, you lose in life too — and there ain’t no rewind. Better learn it. Yeah, you don’t like it so much when the boss is using instant replay. “Hey, let’s watch Steve screw up the Happy Meal order for the forty-seventh time.”

Yeah, technology is wonderful. $6.00-a-gallon gasoline coming to a pump near you, fish genes in my tomato, pesticides on my peaches, global warming in the forecast, we’re paying for water, and Roger Clemens didn’t use performance-enhancing drugs in a house with a mouse (rat); or with his spouse.

Coca-Cola will be selling you fresh oxygen in a bag before you know it — just like the stuff we breathe every day. I think it’s called air — which is pretty contaminated, by the way.

I also think sports news — considered to be newsworthy — is completely and utterly ridiculous. ESPN is silly, but I still watch it. I’ve loved sports my whole life — even a sportscaster for a brief time — but if the Cards or Cubs lose tomorrow, I ain’t losin’ sleep. Honestly, I think I only watched the Cubs when I was a kid because of Harry Caray — to be entertained. And secretly, that’s who I want to be when I grow up; or grow old as I presume will happen. I just want to run around saying outlandish things and getting laughs whether I meant to be funny or not. But I guess I’m too peevish and cantankerous for that now. Maybe I can settle for being a crazy uncle.

I’m like the Grumpy Old Man skit from Saturday Night Live — vintage Dana Carvey — except I’m grumpier. The older I get, the more cranky I am. When I’m 70, I fully expect to be a complete alcoholic and/or drug addict since I won’t be able to understand anyone around me. The attendants at the nursing home won’t even speak to me anymore. We have chips in our brains, and we just relay messages to each other in the effort of saving precious time. Except, the Alzheimer’s keeps fouling up the transmitter — so the nurse keeps shaking me in hopes that everything will clear up.

So, now you know … technology is ruining us. We can go faster, foul things up faster than ever before — and for many of us, that means living in a more complicated world; a world where I can blog about nonsense from the comfort of my own home with a little box, which has lots of pretty colors and words scrolling across the screen.

I just wonder if we’re going to be walking around with no emotions and casually evoking the occasional LOL when somebody says something even remotely humorous. Every now and then, it would be nice if someone would send a little e-mail with something like… “Dude, you are one funny, grouchy bastard, and I’m laughing my ass off so hard right now that I won’t be able to sit down for a week.”

“We must talk in every telephone
Get eaten off the web
We must rip out all the epilogues in the books that we have read
And in the face of every criminal
Strapped firmly to a chair
We must stare, we must stare, we must stare”

–bright eyes

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Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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5 Comments

  1. You know what I hate. People! With their talking and breathing and taking up space and what not. And chickens? What the hell is up with chickens?

    Comment by Captain Spiffo on May 9, 2008

  2. I don’t like chickens either … that’s why I don’t eat yard birds. Yeah, you’re right… there are too many damn people on the planet, especially in America, eating up all my sustainability. What do they think this is… China?

    Comment by den cotton on May 9, 2008

  3. Typically, cranky old bastards aren’t funny. You have broken the cranky old bastard mold! By the way, the instant replay hasn’t fixed the real root of the problem. Steve still F’s up my Happy Meals. Video Technology is only a non-value added band-aid to remind him that his nut-job parents fell for the ol’ “ADHD” diagnosis from his doctor when all he really needed was his ass beaten from time to time.

    Comment by IKE on May 28, 2008

  4. Well, you shouldn’t be eating kids’ meals dude. You are a big boy now.

    Comment by Den Cotton on May 29, 2008

  5. [...] case you forgot, I’m a cranky, old bastard. Nothing personal folks, but I just don’t want to see a lot of this stuff on TV. It [...]

    Pingback by Blow Up Your TV Sports Fans! | Den Cotton on June 3, 2008

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