Dear Soccer: Please take me back, I love you

By: Den Cotton

Dear Soccer/Fútbol:

I just wanted to apologize from the bottom of my heart for all of the horrible things I said about you when I wrote the headline “If Illegal immigration is such a huge problem, why does soccer still suck in America?”

I know you don’t suck in America even though there are more popular sports like baseball, basketball, and football. You are very talented, and still popular among the people who really count, just like the indie bands I listen to over the Top 40 garbage I hear on the radio every day. MLS — while getting better each and every day — is not as exciting as the Premier League, but I don’t care. Soccer, I just want you. I’ll do anything to get you back. You are as sexy as ever, and I can’t live without you.

The truth is that I used you; used you in the worst way. I was trying to be cutely poignant in displaying my radical viewpoint that we, as a country, are taking the easy way out in turning our backs on a hard-working race of people by wanting to kick them out, while putting a lock on our borders, instead of creating better initiatives as well as programs to support a more logical way of ensuring that all residents can be productive and contribute culturally to a nation of immigrants, eliminating the idea of illegal human being status. Even though we stole their land in the 1800s, they still want to come over and teach us to play your wonderful game of fútbol. I think that says a lot about a group that could forgive so easily, and still want to mingle with us imperialists. Even though I said those nasty things about you, I hope you can see now that I didn’t mean to hurt you with my bizarre behavior.

I realize now that I shouldn’t have made a fool of you for my own political gain. If it makes you feel any better, there are a lot of people who think that I’m a total nutjob because of all the outlandish things I said.

Anyway, I still think you are beautiful — the most beautiful game — even in America. I’ve loved you since I was 6 years old. I think you have raised some of the most talented players in the world, in any sport — despite the fact that there are still a lot of prima donna crybabies and divers. I can even accept Cristiano Ronaldo since he has such skill and mastery of the ball. I know that you can’t parent every player to be perfect, and they will all have some flaws.

The next time I need to make a point, I surely will choose something else to exploit. I will also try to be less vague, although I can’t promise it won’t be politically charged, no matter how silly or nonsensical my analogies, figurative speech, and allusion happen to be.

If you take me back, I will try to support you better — in good times and in bad — even though I don’t think you will ever be loved as much in America as in Europe. But that’s ok. You still make my heart flutter and that’s all that matters. We could even renew our vows — that is, if you want …

I know I don’t always say and do the right things — being the silly and sometimes insensitive person that I am — but I’m hoping you can see the beauty that’s in me too, even when I act downright stupid. Don’t let this ruin our marriage.

So let’s grow old together and raise lots of fans. What do you say? Maybe together, we can win the World Cup in America one day.

Love,

Den

“I’m coming through the door
but they’re expecting more
of an interesting man
sometimes I think I can
but how much can I fake
I’ll speak until I break
with every word I say
offend in every way”

jack white III

Tags: Cristiano Ronaldo, icky thump, illegal immigration, jack white, Major League Soccer, MLS, Offend in Every Way, Premier League, racism, soccer, U.S. Soccer, white stripes, World Cup

Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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6 Comments

1. So, you write an article(three days ago) about illegal immigration while at the same time you try your “soccer-basher” act, hoping to garner replies from soccer fans defending their sport, and what happens?… No one takes your bait, as all replies were about immigration!

   You failed in that attempt, so what do you do? You write another article(today’s) offering an apology, as if soccer fans somehow were offended by your original article?

   ALERT to soccer fans: Don’t take his bait. Let my reply be the only one to this article.

   Comment by US sportsfan on May 20, 2008

2. P.S.

   Soccer, my love, I know it seemed like I was bashing you originally. But I really wasn’t — even though I used your name in vain. In fact, my original article really had nothing to with you, and for that, I’m truly sorry.

   So please understand that I am one of your biggest fans indeed. I know my sarcasm can be misinterpreted from time to time. So again, I can’t wait to see you in DC when Becks and LA Galaxy come a knockin’. I would make love to you right now! But as you know, I’ve had a busted groin since September and have been on the sidelines cheering for my former team, which finally won a game — without me. So, sometimes I feel blue, especially without you.

   Comment by den cotton on May 20, 2008

3. HOW DARE YOU BASH SOCCER! AND ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION!

   I AM OFFENDED NOT ONLY AS AN AMERICAN, AN IMMIGRANT, A SOCCER PLAYER, AND A LOVER OF HEALTHY GROINS!

   FOR SHAME… FOR SHAME!

   WHY? I ASK YOU WHY?

   Comment by Captain Spiffo on May 20, 2008

4. Re: Dear Soccer, Please Take Me Back, I Love you.
   Dear Den,
   How can you expect me to just take you back after what you did to me?!?! Not only did you renounce our love, but you used me to make some political point! I will not take… ah, who am I kidding? We need everyone we can get. Welcome back sweetheart! XOXO

   Love,
   Soccer

   Comment by Mike Lange on May 20, 2008

5. I knew you were my girl … true love lasts forever.

   If I can ever play again, I will score a hat trick. And we shall celebrate by drinking unlimited juice boxes.

   Comment by den cotton on May 20, 2008

6. Soccer fans were deeply disturbed by Den’s first and second articles. And will be offended by his third and fourth articles. I’m certain of this, because of three facts:
   1. Den has made the erroneous assumption that soccer is a girl. We know that, despite being an equal opportunity sport, statistically I would figure most players are heterosexual, and due to the fact that all soccer players are whining bi&C*ing GIRLS, then soccer MUST be a boy. And that’s why I love it.
   2. Den assumes that Latinos will drink juice boxes.
   3. Den’s “soccer-basher act” did not include elephants balancing on balls.

   I took the bait… HOW DARE HE put down the sport of kings.

   Comment by Token Girl on Team on May 20, 2008

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