Party tips for sports fans

By: Den Cotton

Well, as usual, I have some really bad advice for any of the loyal lima bean disciples out there who have been following along. Just depending on how twisted of an individual you are at heart, this could be really important knowledge to carry with you in the quest of the perfect party.

I just thought I would offer up some ideas, actually dos and don’ts — well only don’ts — for your next throwdown.

If you decide to have a soirée, it is quite clear you should refrain from bringing any of the following : Rich Rodriguez, Bill O’ Reilly, Keith Olbermann, a soccer ball, and a six pack of illegal immigrants. These are all the things that can ruin a good time, and ultimately cause people to think your party stinks.

You can bring Bill O’ or K.O., but not both. That would be the worst party in the world.

You can maybe bring a soccer ball — if you get the ok from the host ahead of time — but you can’t invite disgruntled American soccer fan, who clearly has a chip on his shoulder about loving a sport, which is still second class in the U.S. It’s ok soccer fan. I’ve accepted that not everyone is going to like soccer as much as I do either. I just feel very European inside, and it makes me feel more worldly.

Do not show up with former West Virginia head football coach Rich Rodriguez unless the party is in Ann Arbor. Personally, I would party with him like no tomorrow because he got something like $4 million — well, not exactly I guess — for doing nothing, except winning a lot of games. He just kinda left the party early ya know, and didn’t even help clean up the mess. West Virginia fan, I know you say you are “over” RR. I just don’t believe you. Look, I know I sound like a jerk, but it hurts. I still haven’t completely gotten over the breakup with my last girlfriend — and that was over two years ago. I’m doing much better now and it gets easier every day, especially if you have an awesome new girlfriend or excellent head coach — which I have neither. It’s barely been a few months for you. It is better just to accept that it didn’t work out the way you wanted — despite the breach of contract — and everything will heal in time.

Under no circumstances can you bring illegal immigrants to the party — even if they pick all the fruit and vegetables for the shindig. If the party gets really hot and the roof catches fire, they might even fix it for you the next morning if you buy the shingles. Hell, they might even put in a new floor if the party gets really crazy. Seriously though, it’s better to not be a hypocrite, and just never let them in the back door for all the fun. They can cook good food, sing, dance, and probably clean up after the party is over. You won’t have to lift a finger. But they will probably just mooch off of you for the rest of your life, because they are total parasites — from what I hear — and will ruin a good party if you let them. Next thing you know, there are 30 million of ‘em running around unannounced, kicking soccer balls all over the lawn they just fixed up for you.

Personally, I think it would be a fun party if you brought everybody, but I like a good sideshow.

“They’re selling postcards of the hanging
They’re painting the passports brown
The beauty parlor is filled with sailors
The circus is in town
Here comes the blind commissioner
They’ve got him in a trance
One hand is tied to the tight-rope walker
The other is in his pants
And the riot squad they’re restless
They need somewhere to go
As lady and I look out tonight
From desolation row”

– Bob Dylan

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Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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2 Comments

  1. You forgot the inflatable bouncy thingy to put in the back yard to keep the kids occupied.

    Comment by Mike Lange on May 21, 2008

  2. Mike,

    Call it what it is, we’re all adults here, and know a portable prison when we see one.

    Comment by Den Cotton on May 21, 2008

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