Trade deadline: Washington needs new tight ends
After writing a recent column (Straight Guy for the Queer Eye: NBA Uniforms Still Not Gay Enough), I started to feel like a hypocrite. Because I suddenly realized I’m a politophobe.
That’s right. I’m politophobic. I don’t like politicians. I don’t like to be around them. I don’t like them in the world or in the United States.
With me, you have to be trustworthy, and if you’re going to screw me, and you’re not admitting that you are, then you are not trustworthy.
There is some kind of Truthiness element here, which I cannot explain.
I happen to carry a mantra of “what happens in my house, stays in my house.” So yeah… I’m a total hypocrite when it comes to criticizing NBA players and politicians for what they do in the locker rooms and airport bathrooms of America. Which I guess, also makes me a bit of jockophobe.
And unfortunately, my politophobia carries over to religion too.
Nowadays it’s proven that people can live double lives, preach about humanity and goodness — and do the complete opposite. I watch a lot of TV, so I see a lot of sick, perverted stuff about countries bombing other countries, and then lying about it, telling me it was all about liberating people — in the name of God and freedom.
I was raised to believe in God, and all things good, by two wonderful parents. But now, I have Jesusphobia, because a lot of folks are walking around, claiming to be saving people, just like Jesus, and not saving themselves — like this Hendersonville, North Carolina YMCA.
See, when someone puts up a mission statement that claims “to put Christian principles into practice through programs that build healthy spirit, mind and body for all,” I tend to get a little skeptical when they offer a couple’s membership only for a “legally married man and woman.” Then, when you question some folks there about it, and they give a bunch of fancy double talk about how their board of directors decides on the types of memberships to offer — implying that it’s not any type of discrimination — I get even more suspicious that Jesus ever went fishing in their pool filled with gay, dirty, in-the-closet sweat.
Sure, gay couples can still swim there with their glistening, homosexual bodies — for God to see. But they just can’t get the same discount that you or I can get — well, if I was married to a cute hippie chick or book nerd, who loves hockey and fantasy leagues. I guess maybe it’s not discrimination, just really shitty marketing.
But I’m still faithful, because in Asheville, you can sign up at the Y for a “household membership”, meaning that you can get a discount if you are single and have roommates — even if they are gay, straight, Mexican, or a dirty politician.
Seems like so many people are bored with being just God-fearing, and now we’re branching out into people-fearing.
I know that I need to repent my sins of politophobia, Jesusphobia, and jockophobia. I don’t want to breed my feelings of sarcasm, skepticism, and utter disgust.
I pray Lord Jesus that I can forgive them before I forgive myself.
The fact that I’ve done this, maybe it will give others the comfort or confidence to come out and repent their phobias in the world—-or in the United States.
In Jesus’ name.
I must practice yoga now, because young man, there’s no need to feel down.
Namaste.
Sometimes I wanna talk to God
And find out what I don’t know
Sometimes I wanna talk to God
And tell God where God can go
And sometimes I wanna kiss my woman
Hug her hard
Love her slow
Sometimes I want a cigarette
A shot of booze
And a rock ‘n roll show
Tommy Womack — I Want a Cigarette (There, I Said It!)
Tags: Asheville YMCA, gay pride, Gay rights, gays, Hendersonville North Carolina YMCA, homosexuals, I Want a Cigarette, lesbians, namaste, NBA, Out In Asheville, politicians, politics, Steven Colbert, The Colbert Report, There I Said It!, Tommy Womack, Truthiness, Washington, YMCA, yoga