Den Cotton

Well, I opened up a real can of lima beans recently, with lots of worms in it. And as you might have guessed, I’ve taken a lot of shrapnel in the last few days for my self-parody column entitled Why Women Should Be Banned From All-Star Voting.

While it is certainly a ridiculous notion to suggest that women shouldn’t vote in any election, especially some stupid popularity contest like the MLB All-Star game, I am very serious when I say that I don’t want to see any more male reporters on the sidelines. It’s not to say that women should be put on the sidelines — no no, not at all — but there is entirely too much machismo already, for my personal taste.

I know I’m still a sexist jerk — now hating men too — but women just bring something fresh to the game, perhaps even a different perspective than the common drivel I hear every time I turn on a telecast.

First of all, most of you guys on TV are really not that good looking to begin with, and I’ve heard every silly cliché I care to hear: it’s do or die; it’s pivotal; there’s no tomorrow; such and such team draws first blood; you can feel the electricity; it’s gut-check time … yada yada yada. Seriously, is that the best you can do?

Again, sexist I know, but women make the game sexier than all of you men and your blatantly phallic-sounding, obnoxious commentary about penetration, being on top, scoring etc. Not only are chicks better looking than you, they are knowledgeable and more subtle too about their sexual urges — so why do I want to spend time listening to you and looking at the same old tired faces I’ve always seen? Seriously, have you seen Tony Kornheiser and Erin Andrews side by side? It’s not a tough call.

Another thing, where are all the female hockey reporters? What is up with that? I know there is some potential out there because I met a lot of hockey chicks on the Internet last week who can check you into the boards like nobody’s business; and then tell you about it. I’ll admit that I don’t get to watch hockey much because the NHL completely ruined the playoffs by putting games on networks that I don’t even get. But if I did get some hockey, I’d want to watch a chick talking back and forth with Gary Thorne while the Red Wings lose in the finals. Sorry Detroit fan, I’m a disgruntled former Blues follower, and we’ve been taking a pounding for years from you guys, and I just want to cry like a girl now.

So yeah, there needs to be more female sports writers and sportscasters, because quite frankly Steven A., it is getting harder and harder to listen to the same ‘ole shtick night in and night out.

The fact is, women are needed in sports, and you know when they have “the it factor.” See, you realize right away when a chick is badass with a microphone, just like when I pick up a White Stripes album and listen to Jack White tear up shit on the guitar. It might take a second or two to digest what you just heard, but you know it is top notch — and there’s nothing else out there like it.

So yeah, it’s more than just a pretty face. Ladies, I still think we can work this thing out. I know my brand of humor isn’t for everyone, but I’m an equal opportunity moron.

It is true that “any man with a microphone can tell you what he loves the most.” I know no one wants to admit it, but there is a little Colin Cowherd in all of us — whether you think he or I is a total idiot.

So let me be clear, I’m not backing down. A Seven Nation Army and a 10,000 LB Elephant won’t stop me from having a Ball and Biscuit with someone from Detroit…

Let’s have a ball and a biscuit sugar
And take our sweet little time about it
Let’s have a ball girl
And take our sweet little time about it
Tell everyone in the place to just get out
We’ll get clean together
And I’ll find a soapbox where I can shout it

You read it in the newspaper
Ask your girlfriends and see if they know
That my strength is ten fold girl
And I’ll let you see if you want to before you go

Jack F#!*ing White III

Tags: Blues Hockey, colin cowherd, Den Cotton, Detroit Hockey, Detroit Redwings, Elephant, Erin Andrews, female sports writers, female sportscasters, gary thorne, Hockey Chicks, Hockey Fans, Hockeytown, jack white, MLB, MLB All-Star game, NHL playoffs, Pardon The Interruption, PTI, Seven Nation Army, sports clichés, St. Louis Blues, The Herd, Tony Kornheiser, white stripes, Why Chicks Should Be Banned From All-Star Voting, women in sports, women who love sports

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