Why men should be banned from sideline reporting

By: Den Cotton

Well, I opened up a real can of lima beans recently, with lots of worms in it. And as you might have guessed, I’ve taken a lot of shrapnel in the last few days for my self-parody column entitled Why Women Should Be Banned From All-Star Voting.

While it is certainly a ridiculous notion to suggest that women shouldn’t vote in any election, especially some stupid popularity contest like the MLB All-Star game, I am very serious when I say that I don’t want to see any more male reporters on the sidelines. It’s not to say that women should be put on the sidelines — no no, not at all — but there is entirely too much machismo already, for my personal taste.

I know I’m still a sexist jerk — now hating men too — but women just bring something fresh to the game, perhaps even a different perspective than the common drivel I hear every time I turn on a telecast.

First of all, most of you guys on TV are really not that good looking to begin with, and I’ve heard every silly cliché I care to hear: it’s do or die; it’s pivotal; there’s no tomorrow; such and such team draws first blood; you can feel the electricity; it’s gut-check time … yada yada yada. Seriously, is that the best you can do?

Again, sexist I know, but women make the game sexier than all of you men and your blatantly phallic-sounding, obnoxious commentary about penetration, being on top, scoring etc. Not only are chicks better looking than you, they are knowledgeable and more subtle too about their sexual urges — so why do I want to spend time listening to you and looking at the same old tired faces I’ve always seen? Seriously, have you seen Tony Kornheiser and Erin Andrews side by side? It’s not a tough call.

Another thing, where are all the female hockey reporters? What is up with that? I know there is some potential out there because I met a lot of hockey chicks on the Internet last week who can check you into the boards like nobody’s business; and then tell you about it. I’ll admit that I don’t get to watch hockey much because the NHL completely ruined the playoffs by putting games on networks that I don’t even get. But if I did get some hockey, I’d want to watch a chick talking back and forth with Gary Thorne while the Red Wings lose in the finals. Sorry Detroit fan, I’m a disgruntled former Blues follower, and we’ve been taking a pounding for years from you guys, and I just want to cry like a girl now.

So yeah, there needs to be more female sports writers and sportscasters, because quite frankly Steven A., it is getting harder and harder to listen to the same ‘ole shtick night in and night out.

The fact is, women are needed in sports, and you know when they have “the it factor.” See, you realize right away when a chick is badass with a microphone, just like when I pick up a White Stripes album and listen to Jack White tear up shit on the guitar. It might take a second or two to digest what you just heard, but you know it is top notch — and there’s nothing else out there like it.

So yeah, it’s more than just a pretty face. Ladies, I still think we can work this thing out. I know my brand of humor isn’t for everyone, but I’m an equal opportunity moron.

It is true that “any man with a microphone can tell you what he loves the most.” I know no one wants to admit it, but there is a little Colin Cowherd in all of us — whether you think he or I is a total idiot.

So let me be clear, I’m not backing down. A Seven Nation Army and a 10,000 LB Elephant won’t stop me from having a Ball and Biscuit with someone from Detroit…

Let’s have a ball and a biscuit sugar
And take our sweet little time about it
Let’s have a ball girl
And take our sweet little time about it
Tell everyone in the place to just get out
We’ll get clean together
And I’ll find a soapbox where I can shout it

You read it in the newspaper
Ask your girlfriends and see if they know
That my strength is ten fold girl
And I’ll let you see if you want to before you go

Jack F#!*ing White III

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Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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10 Comments

  1. I still don’t like you. So you’re saying that you don’t like Craig Sager or Jim Gray??? You’re still a sexiest idiot.

    Comment by Kelley on May 28, 2008

  2. Who is Craig Sager or Jim Gray? I guess they are some famous sports guys … sorry, I only pay attention to smart chicks in the booth right now.

    Kelley, I can’t make you like me. Craig and Jim are far more respectable than me, but you already know that.

    Comment by Den Cotton on May 28, 2008

  3. Den, she said your a “sexiest idiot.” I think Kelley likes you. Sure she called you an idiot, but she also said you are the sexiest idiot!

    Hmm… i sense tension here… the tension of love.

    Comment by Captain Spiffo on May 28, 2008

  4. I knew this side was in you somewhere and I appreciate it. We do need more female sports reporters, but it’s a tough world and it’s hard for a girl to get a job in a male-dominant field. Trust me, I know. I have experienced many difficulties trying to get were I am but it is all worth it.

    Comment by Angie Wiatrowski on May 28, 2008

  5. shhhhhhh… I cannot have my true identity revealed.

    Comment by Den Cotton on May 28, 2008

  6. [...] the last episode of Sportsman, our super hero was perilously dangling from a cliff, as he continued to tell fans that they clearly know much more than he does about sports. But [...]

    Pingback by The Adventures of Sportsman | Den Cotton on May 28, 2008

  7. I’m thinking about my doorbell.

    Comment by Token Girl on Team on May 28, 2008

  8. I don’t sing it, I’ll ring it.

    Comment by Den Cotton on May 28, 2008

  9. Den,

    Three cheers for a fellow Blues fan. For that matter, all hail the ‘Towel Guy’. The Cup will reside in STL very soon.

    Please indulge me with the names you think I left off my list…perhaps they will make version 2.0

    Take care

    Comment by Ryan Faller on May 28, 2008

  10. [...] recently as yesterday, I learned that I might be one of the sexiest idiots in sports. Although I must say that she didn’t say it in a very sexy way — kinda oxymoronic I [...]

    Pingback by Top 12 Sexiest Idiots In Sports | Den Cotton on May 29, 2008

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