Top 12 Sexiest Idiots In Sports
As recently as yesterday, I learned that I might be one of the sexiest idiots in sports. Although I must say that she didn’t say it in a very sexy way — kinda oxymoronic I guess. However, I can’t vote for myself because that would be too self absorbed. I think I’m leading the All-Star voting for sexiest idiot, but this guy who put together the Top 12 Sexiest Female Sideline Reporters list is slowly gaining.
I started to feel pretty sexy and idiotic last week, and I’ll tell you why… When you say a lot of goofy things, and people get really mad at you, there is always at least one person who comes up with an original and beautifully-sarcastic response — like Bella:
“I think you’re kind of cute, in a nervous sort of way. Which means you would be the perfect man to go to the (soccer) match with. I could just smile dreamily while you rattled off stats to burn off that nervous energy for 90 plus minutes. You would be happy not to get a reply and I would be happy to tune out your chatter and enjoy the game.
If you were then cute afterwards when I had a chance to look you over and pay attention to whatever it was that you were saying for a minute…well, who knows?”
I know I’m weird, but I was totally turned on by that. I feel dirty now. Guys? See, taking time to script out an intelligently-written wisecrack is totally hotter than someone calling you names. But I’m a twisted person.
And without further ado, the list of Top 12 Sexiest Idiots In Sports…
12) Jay Mariotti – Perhaps the most hated sports columnist on the face of the planet – at least in Chicago. Clearly, not sexy in any way, shape, or form. But, he is popularly unpopular, giving him the ugly charm of your crotchety uncle, who hates everything except the stuff he likes. I believe Mariotti also has fat cash, which would make him sexy in some way — to a poor, unfortunate person.
11) Tony Kornheiser – Again, not beautiful, I know. My list is losing some credibility, but work with me here. Tony is a silly, old person, which I can respect, and Michael Wilbon makes him into a very likable idiot… something I can appreciate.
10) Rich Rodriguez – Clearly not a total idiot as West Virginia fan claims, and also not too sexy. However, he is sexy to talk about on the Internet, especially in Michigan.
9) Mike Greenberg – Co-host of Mike & Mike in the Morning and self-proclaimed ultimate metrosexual. Pretty sure his real identity is “Super Gay”, but he keeps claiming that he doesn’t have a man crush on Mike Golic. I don’t buy it.
Stephen A. Smith – OK, again, not exactly sexy either. But this is my perverted list. He’s a loud talker and overconfident, which makes him attractive to some chicks. I know a lot of folks don’t like Stephen A., but I’m not one of them. Some people have trouble separating entertainment and reality, and a lot of times, I just like to be entertained. I don’t agree with him much, but I used to listen to his show when it was on ESPN radio — to get some sports jollies.
7) Mark Schlereth – ESPN football analyst. Not sure he’s qualified to be an idiot, but he does make cameos on soap operas, intensifying his super sexiness. There had to be at least one mildly-attractive person on the list.
6) Dan Patrick – Clearly not at the top of the idiot list, but there are always some people out there who think you are an idiot. I think he’s got some real potential when Keith Olbermann joins him.
5) Tony Reali – Not sure what he does exactly, other than shout loudly at very unsexy people like Woody Paige and Jay Mariotti. Ultimately, that makes him a lot prettier. He seems like a game show host of a very frightening game show. His real identity as Stat Boy will soon be revealed by angry hockey chick.
4) Howie Long – Clearly the sexiest on the list, but doesn’t belong on the list of bona fide idiots. However, he is a former football player – which makes him a Neanderthal at heart. He exudes super sexy athlete funk.
3) Charles Barkley — Not sure if he’s an idiot, but he is clearly a dumbass now. I’ve watched it ten times and it never stops being funny. Consequently, Chuck is running for mayor of Barkleytown.
2) Alan Shore (James Spader) – OK, not a sports guy, but clearly very sexy, sexist, and knows how to score on Boston Legal – which is application for idiot status. My God, have you ever seen the movie Secretary? Personally, I had my eye on Maggie Gyllenhaal the entire time. All I can say is … sweet mother of pearl.
1) Colin Cowherd – Host of “The Herd” on ESPN Radio. Hands down winner of sexiest idiot. He’s not bad looking, and he’s the ultimate nonsense talker. He likes whole foods, stiff drinks, chicks that don’t like sports, and making fun of crazy die hard fans — which affords him the title of complete sexy bastard. The total package. Unfortunately for Colin, most people take him more seriously than he takes himself. But, he is still the sexiest idiot in sports. And I like chaos.
“I accept chaos, I’m not sure whether chaos accepts me.” – Bob Dylan
Tags: Alan Shore, Around The Horn, Boston Legal, Charles Barkley, colin cowherd, Dan Patrick, ESPN, ESPN Radio, Howie Long, Jay Mariotti, Keith Olbermann, Mark Schlereth, Michael Wilbon, michigan football, Mike Golic, Mike Greenberg, Pardon The Interruption, PTI, rich rodriguez, Stat Boy, Stephen A. Smith, The Herd, Tony Kornheiser, West Virginia Football, Woody Paige
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You can keep referring to me as ‘this guy,’ I don’t mind. In fact, I believe it makes me sound more mysterious than I could ever hope to be.
Comment by Ryan on May 29, 2008
I was trying to protect you in some weird way.
Comment by Den Cotton on May 29, 2008