Den Cotton

I’m not saying you’re not a vegetarian Prince Fielder, but I just don’t know a lot of 5′11″, 260 pound non-carnivores. I’ve been eating mostly vegetarian fare for the last couple of years, and I think you’re trying to pull the lima beans over my eyes.

I saw you play against the Cubs earlier this season, and I think you might have eaten a couple of vegetarians in between innings; that’s not vegetarianism, no matter how many bleeding-heart animal lovers you have swallowed up in Milwaukee. I’ve been there, and I’m willing to bet you could order wiener schnitzel soy milk.

How do I really know if your home run production plummeted because you went veggie — or if you stopped taking human growth hormone?

Sweet Jesus, you didn’t see Andy Pettitte go veggie in the effort to cover his tracks. He took the easy way out and just asked help from the Lord.

I know you apparently read this veggie book you got from your wife. But just because I read a book about body building, I don’t go around telling every poor schmuck I meet that I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Yeah, Den, what have you been lifting? Your feet off the ground? Good one half-pint.” They just wouldn’t believe me, ya know?

I’m sure you spend a lot of time in the dugout eating sunflower seeds, but you just can’t put them in a bowl of ice cream. Sure, I guess that’s technically not eating meat. I just think you probably need to eat a couple of green beans to qualify for veggie status.

I wouldn’t doubt if Brian McNamee is injecting you guys with tree leaves. It’s not detectable by Major League Baseball yet, although giraffes can smell you a mile away. Maybe that is why Congress was asking Roger Clemens if he was a vegan earlier this year? Because you guys are so paper-thin now, and God knows Clemens looks like he’s been eating 20 years worth of black bean hummus. Good work Congress; that’s what we pay you for; your investigative reporting is on steroids. Last time I checked, Roger Clemens weighed in at 235, apparently overindulging in a strict diet of tofurkey and greek tempeh pitas?

Anything is possible I guess, since I read an internet article recently, suggesting soy is making kids gay and fat. Congress can go ahead and keep thinking Clemens is a vegan, but I think we all know he is not gay. Next season, I can’t wait for Prince to announce he wants to have sex with vegan men. His wife will definitely take that book away and cook up a fat steak.

I just don’t know what to believe any more. Next thing I know, every player on the Chicago White Sox, including manager Ozzie Guillen, is claiming they don’t like to have sex with Synthetic Cindy in the clubhouse.

Maybe we’ll see a trimmer Prince next season, who knows? But I think we need to cut you open and see if there are any license plates or old tires in there; and so I can get my left arm back.

Soy bomb.

Tags: Andy Pettitte, Animal Rights, Animal Rights Activism, Blowup doll, chicago cubs, chicago white sox, gay, gay activism, gay pride, HGH, human growth hormone, lesbian, Major League Baseball, Milwaukee Brewers, MLB, Ozzie Guillen, PETA, Prince Fielder, Roger Clemens, Soy, Soy Bomb, steroids, Veganism, Vegans, Vegetarianism, Vegetarians

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 31st, 2008 at 11:21 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.