Den Cotton

OK, this is going to be a pretty serious diatribe, mainly about the musical desecration that Kid Rock has graced us with in 2008. First and foremost, I don’t enjoy being a critic unless it is warranted. And this is a moment where I have witnessed another atrocity in the world of music, further driving home my point that musical taste has decayed into oblivion, causing me to think about chopping off my penis. But someone has already taken that joy away from me by whacking off his schlong and documenting it so carefully — which leaves me to deal with my own spiritual suffering. So my dear music lovers from far and wide, I am imploring radio stations across the world to stop playing Kid Rock’s All Summer Long (for the rest of the summer and all of eternity) from the Rock N Roll Jesus album…

Just based off the song alone, this should have been entitled Rock N Roll Judas. But in an effort to be fair and open minded, I watched one minute and 30 seconds of the video (all I could take) which was equally pukerrific as the song. And it made me hate summer! Which used to be a season I loved almost as much as spring! Go ahead and read the glowing commentary on Youtube about how this little number is so “catchy.” Why does it sound so damn catchy? Because it is a composition of two hits by someone else!!!!!! Wake up America!!!!!! (For those of you scoring at home, “Wake up America!” is my new homeland security system/slogan when I get pissed off about something really trivial.)

I don’t know if Kid Rock still knocks down “whiskey out the bottle,” but I do know this is a public urination on dead people — whether inspired by a drunken fantasy or not. Lifting Warren Zevon’s Werewolves in London and Skynyrd’s Sweet Home Alabama — while inserting ridiculously cheesy lyrics — doesn’t make a song. He could have pissed on Zevon’s casket and it would have been less offensive than this annoying monstrosity. I heard Zevon’s original playing today as I was about to eat lunch, and I prayed with all of my might to the real Rock N Roll Jesus that it wasn’t the Kid Rock tune.

The only message that I could get behind in the song was an utterrance about “we didn’t have no internet,” which I could at least appreciate since I’m blogging away in all my fury. In all its crapdom, maybe this little ditty was supposed to be some bizarre tribute to Zevon/Skynyrd, while purveying the sheer shallow and backwards innocence of high school?

Anthony Decurtis gave this review in Rolling Stone:

“As he well knows — and Rock N Roll Jesus proves — roaring guitars, truckloads of attitude and an unquenchable lust for life make up for a multitude of sins.”

Basically, I guess Decurtis is saying, that if you play real fucking loud, all is forgiven! I was having some kind of Spinal Tap moment when I read that. Mabye this album “goes to eleven.” I can dig that honesty I guess. Well, this dreadful song doesn’t make up for its sins — such as ripping off Zevon and Skynyrd, then calling it your own. I hate “sampling” or whatever plagiaristic form of musical looping this is defined as among the geniuses at Atlantic Records. I wouldn’t listen to the rest of the album (even if I owned it) after hearing this song. Well, the tune entitled So Hott (that’s with a double t) does sound very Paris Hiltonish, so I might be able to groove to that one.

As my new friend Sara so poignantly exclaimed, “I just want some music that doesn’t suck.” I wanted to tell Sara that everything is okay. But I knew it wasn’t; not by a long shot. Unfortunately, people keep paying for unoriginal, trite symphonies of yuckety-yuck blah. Enough American Idol! I tried to restore Sara’s faith in humanity by turning her onto Peter Cooper, and I reiterated that Tommy Womack was still playing in my car (for about the tenth week in a row). It’s all I could do to stave off her musical depression, but I knew she was right — because there is not enough music on the radio that doesn’t suck.

Kid Rock fans, I’m not picking on the man solely. It’s just a symptom of the industry, and I don’t want to direct all of my animosity his way — since the man has to get paid. But I speak the truth. You can see it in Nashville too — where country music has become a total mockery of itself. Quite frankly, I want to put a boot up its ass. I mean hey, What Would Toby Do? I remember when Jack White complained about the lack of radio play for Loretta Lynn’s Van Lear Rose (an album he produced) a few years back, while mentioning that Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) could be heard incessantly on country radio. And Jack was right… except instead, Toby Keith is played 15 times a day on local radio stations everywhere, while the real Nashville musician struggles to get a paycheck.

I have written a lot of garbage in my time — and I plan to again (if not today) — which means I can see clearly on these matters. But I guess you still must take my critique with a grain of salt since my only real musical talents involve playing my Yairi Alvarez very badly, and singing obnoxiously loud, as only I can. However, I don’t usually get paid for it — which is how it should be!

Once I go to the ballpark, I will know the absolute truth about All Summer Long. If it is blasting loudly as Joe So & So steps up to the plate, I will have corroborating evidence that this song smells wonderturdly like an awful brand of unholy, new millennium teen spirit.

“Raspberry, strawberry, lemon and lime
What do I care?
Blueberry, apple, cherry, pumpkin and plum
Call me for dinner, honey, I’ll be there

Saddle me up my big white goose
Tie me on ‘er and turn her loose
Oh me, oh my
Love that country pie

I don’t need much and that ain’t no lie
Ain’t runnin’ any race
Give to me my country pie
I won’t throw it up in anybody’s face”

– Bob Dylan

Tags: All Summer Long, American Idol, Big and Rich, bob dylan, Country Music, Country Pie, Courtesy of the Red White and Blue, jack white, Kid Rock, Loretta Lynn, Lynyrd Skynyrd, MLB, Paris Hilton, Peter Cooper, Rock N Roll Jesus, Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy), Sweet Home Alabama, That's Hot, The Racounteurs, Toby Keith, Tommy Womack, Van Lear Rose, Warron Zevon, Werewolves in London, white stripes

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 6th, 2008 at 2:58 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.