Beckham: I love Zidane and I have really fabulous shoes

By: Den Cotton

LA Galaxy supernova David Beckham recently surprised the soccer world when he was quoted as saying Zinedine Zidane was the best player ever. So I thought to myself… who do I think was the greatest player to ever step on the pitch? I went back and forth over Pele and Maradona. I thought too perhaps, that Eusebio and Cruyff should be in the discussion. And I really like to watch old highlights of George Best. But I decided that my favorite player in the history of soccer is my former teammate Cary, from the All-Stars of the Asheville Buncombe over-30 B Leaue.

Cary doesn’t have a cool-sounding name, and hasn’t dramatically headbutted anyone in the World Cup.  But one time, he did this move that helped us coin the “ground header.” He was totally laying on the ground, and just flung his head at the ball in a desperate attempt to do something about something — not sure exactly. But after the game, I was so like, “dude, I wanna be like you. I’m naming my firstborn Cary.” Quite honestly, it was the most righteous, incredible move I have ever seen in all my years of soccer — even better than that time I caught the ball between my knees during a game. Look, you gotta have some serious cajones to head a ball on the ground when someone could easily plant their cleat into your skull and smash your brains in — a sure-fire career killer. I mean, this dude Tyler once tried to save a goal while running down a guy on a breakaway by diving head first at the back of his heels, but it was nothing like Cary’s patented play. Tyler missed the guy’s feet by a country mile, and they still scored, but damn, it was beautiful too, I guess.

The other remarkable thing about Cary is that he never seems to get hurt while the rest of us limp around with sports hernias, torn meniscuses, heel spurs, broken ribs… you name it. To train with Cary has been a dream. He doesn’t whine and bitch like the rest of those soccer primadonnas in the league. Well, sometimes he whines and bitches, but he still doesn’t really give a shit — if you know what I mean. And that is why Cary is the greatest player of all time — to me.

Despite living in Hollywood, Beckham apparently has denied that he wants to become an actor. I’m not really buying it though. I heard his favorite actor is Jean-Claude Van Damme, but my source was only some dude who says he knows a guy who knows the chick who orders Beckham’s shoes or something.

“People disagreeing everywhere you look,
Makes you wanna stop and read a book.
Why only yesterday I saw somebody on the street
That was really shook.
But this ol’ river keeps on rollin’, though,
No matter what gets in the way and which way the wind does blow,
And as long as it does I’ll just sit here
And watch the river flow.”

–bob dylan

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Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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6 Comments

  1. Hilarious. I’ve only got one problem with this one. For you to have a first born child, you’d have to have sex - with a woman. As has been discussed by countless commenters on this very site, this is impossible. So I’m confused…

    Comment by David Lister on July 13, 2008

  2. whatever dude… I totally banged this chick like two years ago… I mean… dude looked like a lady, but whatever. Don’t put my penis in the chopper bro.

    Comment by Den Cotton on July 13, 2008

  3. Well thank you Denny.

    I would like to clarify though, the ground header stems from an ancient and honorable game played by the Mayans called Brain Ball, where the teams crawled on their bellies and move the ball forward with their heads. So the move is merely an homage to an ancient sport. Of course, they played with a severed head instead of a soccer ball, but never-the-less the spirit is still there.

    … and I’m completely furthering my acting career. I’m playing ‘Tree #3′ at the local community college’s production of “Hairspray”.

    Comment by Captain Spiffo on July 14, 2008

  4. [...] Well, if you’ve been paying attention, LA Galaxy star David Beckham recently said he thought Zinedine Zidane was the greatest player of all time. Was anyone a little surprised by this? There have been so many great players over the years. Who would you choose as the best ever? [...]

    Pingback by Is Beckham the Prettiest Player in the World? | Den Cotton on July 14, 2008

  5. Well, if you take the ground header to a higher level, you might be playing with a severed head — and that could be the ultimate tribute to Mayan Brain Ball. And I guess you could still play a tree in Hairspray since you would only need limbs.

    Comment by Den Cotton on July 14, 2008

  6. Bravo! I saw that move close-up and there WAS a dude’s foot within inches of Cary’s head. It was pure bravery.

    You didn’t mention the “other” name you had for his honored move. You know, the one that alludes to the fact that he was sort of thrusting about, arms and legs limp, kind of the image you get of a larva molting?

    Wasn’t pretty, but it was - as I mentioned - pure bravery. Or stupidity?

    Comment by Token Girl on Team on July 15, 2008

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