Den Cotton

A little known fact: A Wolverine is in the Weasel family.

When the Serious Sports News Network reported in January claims by West Virginia University indicating former head football coach Rich Rodriguez was an illegal alien, I knew Mountaineer fans were not messing around in the least about their hometown hero turned prodigal son. The only problem with that gridiron tale of biblical proportions is that WVU fans are in no mood to welcome Rodriguez home with open arms — ever — after he took the cash and ran to Michigan for a seemingly bigger stage with bigger lights.

But is the current brand of football better in Ann Arbor — or just history? I guess we’ll have to ask App State that question. Enough of the cheap shots, let’s get in the huddle.

So by now, you probably figured out that WVU’s claim of Rodriguez being an illegal alien was just a goofy hoax, a rumor, or fictional account — or was it? After reading a few threads on a couple of WVU fan websites, I began to realize the issue is probably more serious than SSNN originally reported. And I’m wondering now if RR — as he is lovingly referred to in parts of Morgantown — is doomed to fall off another mountain top at Michigan. Hey, at least he doesn’t have a bad case of B.O. like a certain Illinois senator seemed to have Tuesday in West Virginia.

The RR controversy — a derailment as it were — is sliding further and further off the tracks. WVU still wants its money from the $4 million buyout clause bonanza — or more appropriately, sellout clause in WVU circles.

I won’t attempt to layout all of the details and allegations in this case — enough accusations to make your head spin faster than watching a Sooner cheerleader chase WVU Playboy All-American QB Pat White — which range from document shredding to having phone sex with former Indiana head basketball coach Kelvin Sampson. OK, there probably isn’t any truth to that last part.

So, my question is, what made Rodriguez hop on the first mountain train outta there? What is it that we haven’t been told? Why did he feel pressure to sign a contract with a buyout clause if he had NO thoughts of leaving soon?

We all know how tough it is to please the Tide with all those Bear Bryant signs around town. So it shouldn’t have come as any surprise that Rodriguez gave a “thanks, but no thanks” to Alabama, essentially saying WVU was “home sweet home”, at least until foreclosure. And apparently, West Virginia wasted no time in changing the name on the door once the bubble burst. I read in Wikipedia that two signs proclaiming Grant Town as the home of Rodriguez were ordered to be taken down less than 24 hours after he accepted the Michigan offer. That is real hit’em in the mouth football!

In December 2006, Rodriguez was quoted in this ESPN report after turning down Alabama:

“There weren’t many reasons not to go. It’s all about the reasons for staying,” Rodriguez said. “I’m biased, this is my school. I think it’s a great place to raise a family. We’ve always had a great athletic tradition.”

Doh! I’ve always been a little skeptical when it comes to the whole cliché-tossing routine of “It’s a great place to raise a family.” I interviewed a high school football coach (in Alabama) who threw that same line at me once when I met him — and a few months later, he was run out of town for having an alleged affair with the volleyball coach.

So will the love or lust with Michigan last? What say ye Mountaineers?

I guess we’ll find out after the Ohio State game.

“I don’t feel you anymore
You darken my door
Whatever you’re looking for
Hey, don’t come around here no more”

– Tom Petty

What Would Jesus Blog?

Well, I obviously cannot answer that without divine intervention. But a source close to Jesus — speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of the wrath of God and damnation to hell’s fire — tells me that The Chosen One is unhappy with plenty of things shaking out in the world, including the perennial letdowns of the Catholic church in the clutch, the college B.C.S. debacle, and Jesus Nation misusing his name.

While I had this limited lifeline to the Son of God, I thought I would find out what my source knows about the inner workings of The Savior, and what it’s like being the heart and soul of some of the biggest plays in sports. I quickly became disappointed to learn that God had absolutely no part in any Hail Mary play or Immaculate Reception. And he said that Notre Dame should never put faith in Touchdown Jesus, who was vacationing in the desert for more than 40 days and 40 nights last fall — clearly the wrong season to be acting holier than thou.

Meanwhile, my source confirmed that neither Jesus nor God is angry with ESPN’s Dana Jacobson for cursing at them and the University of Notre Dame during a drunken rant at a roast for talk show hosts Mike (Greenberg) & Mike (Golic) earlier this year. It is still unclear whether Jacobson actually said, “F*** Jesus,” “F*** Notre Dame”, F*** Touchdown Jesus,” or “F***em all.” But Jesus issued a press release saying “Notre Dame had an awful lineup last season and clearly, was F***ed without any help from Dana.” Jesus also acknowledged that Jacobson had turned water into wine at some point during the ceremony — so all is forgiven. He reportedly said he hadn’t seen anyone that drunk since Charlie Weis on Easter Sunday. Jacobson later apologized for the remarks and said she only wanted to know what it felt like “to be Catholic for a day.” And it is widely reported that, as part of her Lenten penance, Jacobson agreed to give up saying idiotic things while liquored up in public.

As expected, God announced that Rev. Jeremiah Wright is not — and never was — his agent. He reportedly said Wright was mainly a government experiment, and ultimately, will not change the course of religion, Barack Obama’s presidential bid, or the game of Scrabble. But make no mistake about it, he did intend for Hillary to have a fighting chance in the Democratic primary.

I was also surprised to learn that Jesus was quoted as saying, “The Saints sucked last year,” obviously animosity toward the Catholic church’s refusal to deal with its scandals properly. But he still doesn’t give a free pass to pastor and John McCain supporter John Hagee for trash talking Catholicism by proclaiming it to be “The Great Whore.” Jesus said Hagee also will announce his latent homosexuality — either proactively or in scandal — as punishment for his ridiculous statements blaming Hurricane Katrina on gay pride parades and sin in New Orleans. However, Jesus does agree the Wizards were well deserving of the Gayest Name in the NBA Award, as reported by the Serious Sports News Network. Jesus himself apparently is promoting a Hagee vs. Wright showdown, with the winner and loser being sentenced to 10 years of yoga in a godforsaken village where they will be officially rejected, denounced, disowned and deserted.

In somewhat of a conflict of interest, Jesus revealed he is a huge Devils fan and expects New Jersey to unleash a plague-like fury during the ‘08 - ‘09 NHL season. He likens his own style to that of goaltender Martin Brodeur, who has made quite a few quality “saves” in his career — but only those that will earn preferential treatment getting through the gates of the Prudential Center, and not the gates of heaven. Just another reason why both God and Jesus have become such followers of soccer, hockey, baseball, and those crazy hippies. But a very humble yet prophetic Jesus maintains that no one, in any league or all leagues of any kind combined, will ever break his career record for overall saves.

So I was getting a little selfish during the interview, and I wanted to know if Jesus could tell me what was wrong with my groin; and whether or not he could resurrect my B-league soccer career. My source said I probably didn’t have a real good shot at talking directly to J.C. without an appointment, but if I looked hard enough, I might find the answer in an unexpected place. And as I sat in the hospital, primed and ready for another C.T. scan, Pat Robertson appeared on the waiting room television. He was giving health advice to his followers, and said everyone should eat more peanuts and filberts. I wholeheartedly agreed with him for once, still wondering who in their right minds would actually take nutritional advice from a televangelist. But I knew he was right. And if I need a healthy dose of nuts, I can always turn on 700 Club when the cupboard is bare.

Those were really the only meaningful questions I had for Jesus. But my source stopped me, and said that God had one more important message for his people:

“While a fan of all teams of any race, creed, religion or sexual preference, God is very busy with many tragedies to dish out and fix up; and he doesn’t give two shits about championships in major sporting events including, but not limited to, the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, World Cup, NCAA, and especially Nascar … so you are wasting your goddamn time praying before the big event, assuming God cares or has time to miraculously affect the outcome, giving you some silly opportunity of shouting out ‘I just want to thank God,’ to a nationally-televised audience right before you announce your religious retreat to Disney World.”

Amen.

Let us go in peace.

“Your flag decal won’t get you into heaven anymore” — John Prine

I’m not sure what Barack Obama did to the state of West Virginia — racking up losses in every county — but clearly he must be buddying up with former head football coach Rich Rodriguez to fall so heavily in Mountaineer country during the Democratic Primary.

Hillary Clinton easily won with 67 percent of the vote to Obama’s 25.7 percent. West Virginia hadn’t delivered a beat down like that since crushing Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl 48-28 back in January.

While most of the pundits have already hoisted the Democratic cup for Obama — the math showing a clear victor without some kind of Hail Mary play against the Ducks next week — Clinton is trucking on, hoping for another landslide margin in Kentucky although Oregon is likely to stand in the way of any chance the senator from New York has in pulling off the upset down the stretch.

If Obama wants a Derby-like victory in the Bluegrass State, he better bring Big Brown or Muhammad Ali with him — to even have a fighting chance.

But one thing is clear, and that is Clinton needing to complete the Triple Crown next Tuesday — despite a 20-length victory in West Virginia — for an unprecedented comeback in the late rounds.

Ok, I need someone to explain to me what the heck Mike D’Antoni is thinking? Has everyone become this greedy or am I missing something? I guess he is exploring his options instead of just taking the job with the Bulls?

I don’t claim to know all the details of what is going down in this card game with Chicago. But it seems as though D’Antoni won’t quit at Phoenix — and they won’t fire him. And I guess D’Antoni wants what is coming to him — which is why they won’t send him packing. So, you better shop around. Fine. I get that.

My question is why would he toy with the Bulls by even talking to the Knicks? That’s why I need one experienced Bulls fan to explain to me why the Knicks job is even half as appealing as the Chicago gig. From the gossip lines, it seems like New York is ready to up the ante for any deal Chicago is willing to offer D’Antoni — and much, much more. But which is the better job?

Donnie Walsh has taken over as president of basketball operations in the Big Apple, and suddenly it’s a good job? Maybe. But there are still some issues there that I don’t think a lot of coaches want to inherit, and it’s doubtful that the situation can change in one season. I mean, even Larry Brown is still upset that he never got a chance to sexually harass anyone during his tenure at the Garden. Maybe D’Antoni is more of a ladies man than we realized. Perhaps he was Coloring Phoenix Badd the whole time.

If I’m John Paxson, I’m on the phone with Avery Johnson right now because D’Antoni deserves to be stuck with New York now, and whatever lingering drama is out there. It seems to me that there is a better opportunity to turn things around in the Windy City more so than the house that Zeke built.

As usual, I probably have no idea what I’m talking about and deserve to be flogged by the masses. So Bulls fan, please help.

Who do you want answering the phone at 3 a.m. in the Bulls house?

“So let’s talk. Let’s chat. Let’s start a dialogue about your ideas and mine.”

–Hillary Clinton

Politics can be a lot like sports, but not nearly enough — as far as I’m concerned — when it comes to hiring and firing of the people who manage the land; your land; my land.

When someone isn’t getting the job done in baseball — batting average dropping below .200 — they usually get benched or traded. If you’re a star, it’s a different story — because then, you have already proven yourself, people trust you, and you have respect. Slumps happen, and you’ll probably bounce back. Otherwise, we’ll see you in the minors — or perhaps your career is just over.

When it comes to politics — the commander in chief specifically, the general manager — we have to endure the strikeouts in the clutch for four consecutive years unless someone is, of course, “not a crook.” And sometimes you might get fired for just being involved in a scandal of Lewinskian proportions. Which makes me wonder if Bill Clinton was using performance-enhancing drugs.

So what if we could trade George W. Bush to another nation?

See, the problem is we could only release him, because chances are, we couldn’t get any draft picks, cash, or governors to be named later. Most civilized countries just wouldn’t come to the table on it. Well, we could probably get that loose cannon from North Korea I guess. But we’re not in the business of even trades at the moment.

Perhaps we could demote Bush instead?

“Look Dubya, they need a mayor back down in Salome, West Texas.” (Everyone keep it quiet that Salome is a fictional town from the movie Tin Cup. )

No wait, I change my mind. We should be able to fire him in the middle of the season — just like big league managers. “Sorry, G.W., but our country is 27 games out of first place … we need to bring in someone fresh to tinker with the lineup.”

Bush’s run in the White House is worse than the Cubs; he’s not even lovable.

We all need to find our inner Steinbrenner — just clean house every once in a while — and be totally hostile in putting together a better team, no matter what it takes. Sure, the Steinbrenners are meddlesome — perhaps a little misguided — but at least passionate about the team.

New Yorkers are the perfect protesters. They don’t put up with a debacle whether it’s a point guard, head coach, manager or president. You think Isiah Thomas could possibly come back for one more term after the years he had? Joe Torre got canned for making the playoffs 12 straight seasons.

That’s the problem with us as Americans. We’re not vocal enough when it comes to politics; we’re the owners, remember? So let’s go out and hire Theo Epstein away from the Red Sox and maybe we can end the curse of the “Dumbino.” Until then, I guess we’ll just sit around having profanity-laced tirades that only Ozzie Guillen and Lee Elia could muster during a bad streak.

While there are a few devoted American patriots, there aren’t nearly enough carrying the “Fire Bush” signs at home games in Washington. I guess most of us can’t afford the gas to get up there — or perhaps are out of the country dodging car bombs.

I’m Den Cotton and I approve this message.

“Dissent is the highest form of patriotism”

– Howard Zinn