Den Cotton

OMFG, I think he did! While Carlin’s irreverence will be remembered for making most of you LOL (and me LMAO), it is clear that his work was all for naught — except in the Major Leagues. But in the land made for you and me — well, North Carolina to be exact – the seven dirty words have been replaced by Internet slang on tobacco road, at least on license plates anyway.

Carolinians are apparently dismayed about WTF appearing on their plates, which has made the NCDMV commissioner feel inside — and confused — especially since the dirty message was found on sample plates, on the agency’s website.

“Obviously, I didn’t know it was there,” said commish Bill Gore. Well, of course you didn’t, because when it comes to this newfangled technology jargon, you wouldn’t know your a$$ from a hole in the ground, like me, and a lot of old people. So who gives a flying fuk ya know? Well, I guess a 60-year-old “technology teacher” who relied on her grandchildren to point it out?

The good news is that you can turn in your plate and get another one. But some people are still begging the question, Why couldn’t the grandchildren keep their mouths shut? And what happens when the DMV discovers these license plates? KMA, POS, FCUK, FOS, F4F, and last but not least, the dirtiest of them all… M4M.

Look, I know Andy Griffith is from North Carolina, but it doesn’t mean we need a bunch of Barney Fifes runnin’ around all willy-nilly. WTG Tar Heels! Quick, call the AAAAA (American Assosciation Against Acronym Abuse).

Hey, I wonder if this technology teacher realizes there is a BUSH in the White House. And he’s a real MF. Recall! Citizen’s arrest, citizen’s arrest! Be sure to grab that DICK too, while you’re in there…

FFS, these kids are going to have us on the run by the time we’re really old. I’m seriously worried when the DMV gets a hold of the Internet slang dictionary. Then, we are seriously fukd!!!

GTG,

Serendipityfukndoodah!!!

What was Seattle Mariners manager John McLaren so mad about this week? Maybe he decided there hasn’t been much on the highlight reel and just decided to drop some F-bombs in the effort to get the club some exposure on ESPN. I suppose it could be true that it was only because the Mariners truly suck this year. But I think there is something more to the story; because there is always something more to the story.

I think this has everything to do with Sirbrina Guerrero being asked by ushers not to kiss her date at a game back in May after a complaint from a woman, who apparently has issues with two women getting playful in public. I think McLaren let this frustration build up for a week or so and decided to let it out. I’d be pissed too if I couldn’t go to a Major League Baseball game and watch lesbians kissing. I thought that was part of the package.

What if Guerrero was an illegal immigrant? Wow, she probably would have been asked to stop kissing, then kicked out of the ballpark, and the country. I say let those lesbian aliens stay… the thought of two illegal immigrant chicks sharing tongue in this country is so intensely risqué that I forgot what the hell I was talking about. Oh yeah, two chicks kissing at the ballpark is very bad…

First of all, I see a lot of straight couples that are pretty skeezy in the P.D.A. department and nobody asks them to put it away or “tone it down.” I had to exploit the word skeezy here because my friend Mary educated me on the use of such word … not sure if it is properly applied here, but I had to throw it out there. She and I were victims of skeeze by a straight couple at a house concert a while back, and we never complained — no matter how uncomfortable and icky things started to get, right before our very eyes. In this case, I think it qualified as bona fide skeezery because it was clear this guy’s date wanted to enjoy the show and he was getting in the way of her good time. We didn’t want to see it anymore, but you couldn’t help but watch. You just sit there and take it like everybody else!!

Hell, there are a lot of things I don’t want to see in this world — like war! War makes me uncomfortable. American soldiers and Iraqi civilians getting their heads blown off makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t want that to happen. You think I get my wishes granted? No!! I’m told to deal with it because it’s the American way!! Wake up America! If two women kissing is the worst thing you have to look at, then just enjoy your voyeuristic tendencies, and be glad you’re not getting shot at by insurgents after some dope sent you over to foreign lands, so that two chicks might someday have the right to make out in an oil field while being discriminated against by some prudish hall monitor.

I have my doubts whether Ms. Guerrero and her date crossed some kind of imaginary skeezy line. But I guess that’s for the Mariners organization and MLB to decide with its code of conduct (announced before every game). McLaren — obviously noticeable in his remarks — disregarded the code of conduct too during the recent press conference, along with 2,000 other drunks at the game who were busy swearing at him because the Mariners are the worst team in baseball, despite the highly-anticipated Erik Bedard acquisition.

So chances are Mclaren is probably going to get canned over his penchant for girl-on-girl soft porn at the ballpark. And the worst part… it was all for nothing. Because apparently, the Mariners are still not going to allow lesbians to play “hide the garlic fries” during the 7th inning stretch.

“The fans are pissed off, and I’m pissed off, and the players are pissed off. And that’s the way it is.”

– John McLaren

Every Sunday, I venture out to the local soccer complex where my former B-league club, Stumptown All-Stars — more affectionately known as (the) All-Stars — fearlessly take the pitch for another intense match. And there is usually no shortage of Latino players on any given Sunday, or any day of the week for that matter, at most of the fields in town.

I’m not one of those guys who immediately wonders if any or all of them are illegal aliens nor do I really care much. But I have thoughts albeit different ones; thoughts to their story. How did they get here? And why?

I once overheard this comment from an opposing player when a group of Latino players arrived for their game:

“They must have just gotten off the bus,” he said (with a British laugh) only within earshot of a handful of acquaintances and teammates. I wondered if he had just gotten off the plane. Perhaps he was right, but how could he have any idea of their status?

There are a couple of teams in the league which feature almost a full lineup of Latino players. And there is no question that they take their soccer seriously — at least more seriously than the All-Stars — but not anymore than a lot of the other clubs dominated by American players, who seem to think they are playing in the MLS. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that soccer players — of any ethnicity — are the biggest prima donna crybabies in the world; especially in the World Cup.

I suppose this so-called “immigration problem” is an issue that hits home with me since I worked with a lot of Latino men and women in the orchard business, who I don’t know for sure were legal. And so it’s a long debate of the many intricacies surrounding illegal immigration, ranging from stresses on the health care system to its effect on wages and jobs in the U.S.

I was interested to learn recently that one of the problems with hiring American workers in the landscaping business — young people especially — is that they sometimes will not last on the job, many quitting after a few days due to the demands of hard labor. Which results in losses — lost time and investment — for the business owner, making it very attractive to hire illegals.

But my hypothetical question is this … If you lived below poverty level in Pennsylvania but could move to New York, make twenty times the amount of money — even though it was illegal — with the likelihood of not getting caught, would you do it for your family?

The biggest problems in this country do not involve illegal aliens although we like to believe so. We find it convenient to point toward these things without truly analyzing the broader scope of issues within ourselves and our own government, which has made illegal immigration an issue due to its blunders and missteps not only at home, but also abroad in the never-ending quest of imperialism; its warring business; and its current Team America: World Police of Dubya & Co.

Issues like immigration come to the forefront when leaders are too busy meddling in affairs of other countries — when it is unwarranted — while forgetting to manage their own backyard.

Last year, I went on a quest to better understand the foibles of government past and present — a conscious effort of brainwashing if you will — and so I picked up A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn, which is a very intriguing read, although admittedly, I haven’t finished it. It gives an account from “the people” affected by government — in many cases, the disenfranchised — rather than the usual run-of-the-mill school text book, government-style perspective. It helped me to get in touch with my inner hippie, liberal commie, anti-establishment side.

So putting my hummus plate and veggie burrito aside for a moment, I wouldn’t say that illegal immigration is not an issue, but it is not THE issue.

Sure, I get a little frustrated when some of the Latino soccer clubs bring out a mariachi band to midfield after scoring their tenth goal against us. But I’m just pissed because they humiliated us, and not because I think they are all freeloading border jumpers.

And even if they are, soccer still sucks in America pal, further proving illegal immigration is a secondary issue to the real American problem.

“White Americans, what?
Nothing better to do?
Why don’t you kick yourself out?
You’re an immigrant too.
Who’s usin’ who?
What should we do?
Well you can’t be a pimp
And a prostitute too”

— White Stripes

Politics can be a lot like sports, but not nearly enough — as far as I’m concerned — when it comes to hiring and firing of the people who manage the land; your land; my land.

When someone isn’t getting the job done in baseball — batting average dropping below .200 — they usually get benched or traded. If you’re a star, it’s a different story — because then, you have already proven yourself, people trust you, and you have respect. Slumps happen, and you’ll probably bounce back. Otherwise, we’ll see you in the minors — or perhaps your career is just over.

When it comes to politics — the commander in chief specifically, the general manager — we have to endure the strikeouts in the clutch for four consecutive years unless someone is, of course, “not a crook.” And sometimes you might get fired for just being involved in a scandal of Lewinskian proportions. Which makes me wonder if Bill Clinton was using performance-enhancing drugs.

So what if we could trade George W. Bush to another nation?

See, the problem is we could only release him, because chances are, we couldn’t get any draft picks, cash, or governors to be named later. Most civilized countries just wouldn’t come to the table on it. Well, we could probably get that loose cannon from North Korea I guess. But we’re not in the business of even trades at the moment.

Perhaps we could demote Bush instead?

“Look Dubya, they need a mayor back down in Salome, West Texas.” (Everyone keep it quiet that Salome is a fictional town from the movie Tin Cup. )

No wait, I change my mind. We should be able to fire him in the middle of the season — just like big league managers. “Sorry, G.W., but our country is 27 games out of first place … we need to bring in someone fresh to tinker with the lineup.”

Bush’s run in the White House is worse than the Cubs; he’s not even lovable.

We all need to find our inner Steinbrenner — just clean house every once in a while — and be totally hostile in putting together a better team, no matter what it takes. Sure, the Steinbrenners are meddlesome — perhaps a little misguided — but at least passionate about the team.

New Yorkers are the perfect protesters. They don’t put up with a debacle whether it’s a point guard, head coach, manager or president. You think Isiah Thomas could possibly come back for one more term after the years he had? Joe Torre got canned for making the playoffs 12 straight seasons.

That’s the problem with us as Americans. We’re not vocal enough when it comes to politics; we’re the owners, remember? So let’s go out and hire Theo Epstein away from the Red Sox and maybe we can end the curse of the “Dumbino.” Until then, I guess we’ll just sit around having profanity-laced tirades that only Ozzie Guillen and Lee Elia could muster during a bad streak.

While there are a few devoted American patriots, there aren’t nearly enough carrying the “Fire Bush” signs at home games in Washington. I guess most of us can’t afford the gas to get up there — or perhaps are out of the country dodging car bombs.

I’m Den Cotton and I approve this message.

“Dissent is the highest form of patriotism”

– Howard Zinn