Den Cotton

What Would Jesus Blog?

Well, I obviously cannot answer that without divine intervention. But a source close to Jesus — speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of the wrath of God and damnation to hell’s fire — tells me that The Chosen One is unhappy with plenty of things shaking out in the world, including the perennial letdowns of the Catholic church in the clutch, the college B.C.S. debacle, and Jesus Nation misusing his name.

While I had this limited lifeline to the Son of God, I thought I would find out what my source knows about the inner workings of The Savior, and what it’s like being the heart and soul of some of the biggest plays in sports. I quickly became disappointed to learn that God had absolutely no part in any Hail Mary play or Immaculate Reception. And he said that Notre Dame should never put faith in Touchdown Jesus, who was vacationing in the desert for more than 40 days and 40 nights last fall — clearly the wrong season to be acting holier than thou.

Meanwhile, my source confirmed that neither Jesus nor God is angry with ESPN’s Dana Jacobson for cursing at them and the University of Notre Dame during a drunken rant at a roast for talk show hosts Mike (Greenberg) & Mike (Golic) earlier this year. It is still unclear whether Jacobson actually said, “F*** Jesus,” “F*** Notre Dame”, F*** Touchdown Jesus,” or “F***em all.” But Jesus issued a press release saying “Notre Dame had an awful lineup last season and clearly, was F***ed without any help from Dana.” Jesus also acknowledged that Jacobson had turned water into wine at some point during the ceremony — so all is forgiven. He reportedly said he hadn’t seen anyone that drunk since Charlie Weis on Easter Sunday. Jacobson later apologized for the remarks and said she only wanted to know what it felt like “to be Catholic for a day.” And it is widely reported that, as part of her Lenten penance, Jacobson agreed to give up saying idiotic things while liquored up in public.

As expected, God announced that Rev. Jeremiah Wright is not — and never was — his agent. He reportedly said Wright was mainly a government experiment, and ultimately, will not change the course of religion, Barack Obama’s presidential bid, or the game of Scrabble. But make no mistake about it, he did intend for Hillary to have a fighting chance in the Democratic primary.

I was also surprised to learn that Jesus was quoted as saying, “The Saints sucked last year,” obviously animosity toward the Catholic church’s refusal to deal with its scandals properly. But he still doesn’t give a free pass to pastor and John McCain supporter John Hagee for trash talking Catholicism by proclaiming it to be “The Great Whore.” Jesus said Hagee also will announce his latent homosexuality — either proactively or in scandal — as punishment for his ridiculous statements blaming Hurricane Katrina on gay pride parades and sin in New Orleans. However, Jesus does agree the Wizards were well deserving of the Gayest Name in the NBA Award, as reported by the Serious Sports News Network. Jesus himself apparently is promoting a Hagee vs. Wright showdown, with the winner and loser being sentenced to 10 years of yoga in a godforsaken village where they will be officially rejected, denounced, disowned and deserted.

In somewhat of a conflict of interest, Jesus revealed he is a huge Devils fan and expects New Jersey to unleash a plague-like fury during the ‘08 - ‘09 NHL season. He likens his own style to that of goaltender Martin Brodeur, who has made quite a few quality “saves” in his career — but only those that will earn preferential treatment getting through the gates of the Prudential Center, and not the gates of heaven. Just another reason why both God and Jesus have become such followers of soccer, hockey, baseball, and those crazy hippies. But a very humble yet prophetic Jesus maintains that no one, in any league or all leagues of any kind combined, will ever break his career record for overall saves.

So I was getting a little selfish during the interview, and I wanted to know if Jesus could tell me what was wrong with my groin; and whether or not he could resurrect my B-league soccer career. My source said I probably didn’t have a real good shot at talking directly to J.C. without an appointment, but if I looked hard enough, I might find the answer in an unexpected place. And as I sat in the hospital, primed and ready for another C.T. scan, Pat Robertson appeared on the waiting room television. He was giving health advice to his followers, and said everyone should eat more peanuts and filberts. I wholeheartedly agreed with him for once, still wondering who in their right minds would actually take nutritional advice from a televangelist. But I knew he was right. And if I need a healthy dose of nuts, I can always turn on 700 Club when the cupboard is bare.

Those were really the only meaningful questions I had for Jesus. But my source stopped me, and said that God had one more important message for his people:

“While a fan of all teams of any race, creed, religion or sexual preference, God is very busy with many tragedies to dish out and fix up; and he doesn’t give two shits about championships in major sporting events including, but not limited to, the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, World Cup, NCAA, and especially Nascar … so you are wasting your goddamn time praying before the big event, assuming God cares or has time to miraculously affect the outcome, giving you some silly opportunity of shouting out ‘I just want to thank God,’ to a nationally-televised audience right before you announce your religious retreat to Disney World.”

Amen.

Let us go in peace.

“Your flag decal won’t get you into heaven anymore” — John Prine

I’m not sure what Barack Obama did to the state of West Virginia — racking up losses in every county — but clearly he must be buddying up with former head football coach Rich Rodriguez to fall so heavily in Mountaineer country during the Democratic Primary.

Hillary Clinton easily won with 67 percent of the vote to Obama’s 25.7 percent. West Virginia hadn’t delivered a beat down like that since crushing Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl 48-28 back in January.

While most of the pundits have already hoisted the Democratic cup for Obama — the math showing a clear victor without some kind of Hail Mary play against the Ducks next week — Clinton is trucking on, hoping for another landslide margin in Kentucky although Oregon is likely to stand in the way of any chance the senator from New York has in pulling off the upset down the stretch.

If Obama wants a Derby-like victory in the Bluegrass State, he better bring Big Brown or Muhammad Ali with him — to even have a fighting chance.

But one thing is clear, and that is Clinton needing to complete the Triple Crown next Tuesday — despite a 20-length victory in West Virginia — for an unprecedented comeback in the late rounds.

Ok, I need someone to explain to me what the heck Mike D’Antoni is thinking? Has everyone become this greedy or am I missing something? I guess he is exploring his options instead of just taking the job with the Bulls?

I don’t claim to know all the details of what is going down in this card game with Chicago. But it seems as though D’Antoni won’t quit at Phoenix — and they won’t fire him. And I guess D’Antoni wants what is coming to him — which is why they won’t send him packing. So, you better shop around. Fine. I get that.

My question is why would he toy with the Bulls by even talking to the Knicks? That’s why I need one experienced Bulls fan to explain to me why the Knicks job is even half as appealing as the Chicago gig. From the gossip lines, it seems like New York is ready to up the ante for any deal Chicago is willing to offer D’Antoni — and much, much more. But which is the better job?

Donnie Walsh has taken over as president of basketball operations in the Big Apple, and suddenly it’s a good job? Maybe. But there are still some issues there that I don’t think a lot of coaches want to inherit, and it’s doubtful that the situation can change in one season. I mean, even Larry Brown is still upset that he never got a chance to sexually harass anyone during his tenure at the Garden. Maybe D’Antoni is more of a ladies man than we realized. Perhaps he was Coloring Phoenix Badd the whole time.

If I’m John Paxson, I’m on the phone with Avery Johnson right now because D’Antoni deserves to be stuck with New York now, and whatever lingering drama is out there. It seems to me that there is a better opportunity to turn things around in the Windy City more so than the house that Zeke built.

As usual, I probably have no idea what I’m talking about and deserve to be flogged by the masses. So Bulls fan, please help.

Who do you want answering the phone at 3 a.m. in the Bulls house?

“So let’s talk. Let’s chat. Let’s start a dialogue about your ideas and mine.”

–Hillary Clinton

Despite a pretty sweet jumper for an “out-of-touch, pointy-headed elitist,” Barack Obama is really no match for North Carolina Tar Heel senior Tyler Hansbrough. And if Tobacco Road — Dukies excluded — had its way, neither Obama nor Clinton would make it to the Big Dance in November.

That’s right. Because Hansbrough is a “PTP’er” and the unanimous choice by North Carolina superdelegates. He won the popular vote too. Carolina fans can’t get enough Psycho-T — and there was a sigh of relief when the 6′9″ hardest working man in college basketball decided to stay put for his senior season instead of entering the NBA draft.

Now Hansbrough will have to start stumping the NBA and its pundits during the ‘08-’09 campaign. I’m not sold on Hansbrough as a president in the NBA — or governor for that matter — but he might be a good congressman.

Hansbrough will probably be an early first rounder in next year’s draft, but is he the type of player to build a team around? I think he’s the guy you want at your practices — which isn’t a bad thing necessarily for any team that needs to keep everyone motivated. That isn’t to say he won’t be an impact player, but I just don’t see him as a force in the NBA. He’s a great college player — a guy you can root for — and I wished there were more of him around. It’s fun to watch him run — like a big-legged fawn in an open field.

So the polls are closed and Hansbrough is still the Mayor of Chapel Hill.

Hillary Clinton is ready to take on Barack Obama “anytime, anywhere.” So says the senator speaking in North Carolina while fresh off a decisive Pennsylvania primary victory. I think she even threatened to take on Washington with a bold brand of rhetoric, but I wasn’t sure if she meant Gilbert Arenas or the nation’s capital. Apparently, Barack remains unfazed and is letting the Obama Nation do all the talking.

“Vote (Hillary) for the next vice president,” chanted a dreadlocked and seemingly intoxicated Obama fan outside of a Clinton appearance in Asheville, North Carolina. He claimed to be part of Cherokee Nation, but admittedly was only one-eighteenth part Cherokee. He wanted to discuss the Trail of Tears although I thought perhaps he was referring to his assumption of Hillary’s eventual defeat since Obama will practically have home-field advantage in Hoosierland — except for those pesky Southern Indiana voters who might shake up the whole state if they stick to their guns.

Earlier Thursday evening, two young gents on bicycles — looking barely old enough to shave, drive a car, or go to the polls — taunted the crowd of Hillary followers by barking “Vote for Obama” while holding campaign posters with the same message above their heads. Maybe they were counting on some bizarre and illegal scheme of voting by proxy or a vicarious political rush the equivalent of sniffing paint.

The prize of the night goes to McCain’s Army for talking trash before even knowing who he’ll match up against in the presidential finals. “Life’s a bitch, don’t vote for one,” a young lady’s sign read with “McCain rocks” boldly written on the other side.

“I do my rockin’ on the stage,
You can’t put this possum in a cage
My body’s old but it ain’t impaired
I don’t need your rockin’ chair”

-george jones

After a decisive Pennsylvania victory Tuesday over Barack Obama in the Democratic presidential primary, it is clear Hillary Clinton is not going down without a fight. And as the Philadelphia Flyers notched a 3-2 OT victory over the Washington Capitals in game seven of the Eastern Conference semis, it is obvious the NHL playoffs are once again vying to last longer than George W. Bush.

I’m still not sure why half of the NHL teams make the playoffs. I also don’t know when the NHL playoffs and the presidential primaries begin or when they end. Now, the question… which is more exciting? If you live in a hockey city, you have reason to be pumped. But otherwise, the presidential primary might be more compelling — despite the fact that it drags on and on and on, allowing more opportunities for Barack and Hillary to talk weaker trash than the Washington Wizards.

I like Hockey — not a die-hard fan — but I have to say that unless NBC hires Gary Thorne away from ESPN, I’m not enamored in the least. I wouldn’t say NBC’s coverage is bad, but it could seriously offer miracle cures for even the most dedicated insomniac; just doesn’t make me want to watch. Note to NBC: Give up. I think the coverage is Bryant Gumbelesque, and knowledgeable doesn’t necessarily translate into great announcing; and smells even more of NFL Network since there are very few games available until the finals.

I’m trying my best to be an enthusiastic voter, but I guess I’m as bitter as a gun-toting Baptist redneck. I’m tired of watching Hillary’s awful ads and ABC’s pathetic debate moderators. Normally, I would accuse NBC of stringing together Hillary’s TV ad campaign. But the ads aren’t boring. They just look like something I put together in radio/tv production class back in college. The ads are so lampoonish that Saturday Night Live doesn’t even need to re-write them.

The big day for me is Tuesday, May 6th. I will finally get to cast my vote. Then, I can come home to watch either Flyers vs. Canadiens or Stars vs. Sharks on three channels which I do not have.

“I’m the chairman of the bored
I’m a lengthy monologue
I’m livin’ like a dog
I’m bored”

-Iggy Pop