Den Cotton

What was Seattle Mariners manager John McLaren so mad about this week? Maybe he decided there hasn’t been much on the highlight reel and just decided to drop some F-bombs in the effort to get the club some exposure on ESPN. I suppose it could be true that it was only because the Mariners truly suck this year. But I think there is something more to the story; because there is always something more to the story.

I think this has everything to do with Sirbrina Guerrero being asked by ushers not to kiss her date at a game back in May after a complaint from a woman, who apparently has issues with two women getting playful in public. I think McLaren let this frustration build up for a week or so and decided to let it out. I’d be pissed too if I couldn’t go to a Major League Baseball game and watch lesbians kissing. I thought that was part of the package.

What if Guerrero was an illegal immigrant? Wow, she probably would have been asked to stop kissing, then kicked out of the ballpark, and the country. I say let those lesbian aliens stay… the thought of two illegal immigrant chicks sharing tongue in this country is so intensely risqué that I forgot what the hell I was talking about. Oh yeah, two chicks kissing at the ballpark is very bad…

First of all, I see a lot of straight couples that are pretty skeezy in the P.D.A. department and nobody asks them to put it away or “tone it down.” I had to exploit the word skeezy here because my friend Mary educated me on the use of such word … not sure if it is properly applied here, but I had to throw it out there. She and I were victims of skeeze by a straight couple at a house concert a while back, and we never complained — no matter how uncomfortable and icky things started to get, right before our very eyes. In this case, I think it qualified as bona fide skeezery because it was clear this guy’s date wanted to enjoy the show and he was getting in the way of her good time. We didn’t want to see it anymore, but you couldn’t help but watch. You just sit there and take it like everybody else!!

Hell, there are a lot of things I don’t want to see in this world — like war! War makes me uncomfortable. American soldiers and Iraqi civilians getting their heads blown off makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t want that to happen. You think I get my wishes granted? No!! I’m told to deal with it because it’s the American way!! Wake up America! If two women kissing is the worst thing you have to look at, then just enjoy your voyeuristic tendencies, and be glad you’re not getting shot at by insurgents after some dope sent you over to foreign lands, so that two chicks might someday have the right to make out in an oil field while being discriminated against by some prudish hall monitor.

I have my doubts whether Ms. Guerrero and her date crossed some kind of imaginary skeezy line. But I guess that’s for the Mariners organization and MLB to decide with its code of conduct (announced before every game). McLaren — obviously noticeable in his remarks — disregarded the code of conduct too during the recent press conference, along with 2,000 other drunks at the game who were busy swearing at him because the Mariners are the worst team in baseball, despite the highly-anticipated Erik Bedard acquisition.

So chances are Mclaren is probably going to get canned over his penchant for girl-on-girl soft porn at the ballpark. And the worst part… it was all for nothing. Because apparently, the Mariners are still not going to allow lesbians to play “hide the garlic fries” during the 7th inning stretch.

“The fans are pissed off, and I’m pissed off, and the players are pissed off. And that’s the way it is.”

– John McLaren

Politics can be a lot like sports, but not nearly enough — as far as I’m concerned — when it comes to hiring and firing of the people who manage the land; your land; my land.

When someone isn’t getting the job done in baseball — batting average dropping below .200 — they usually get benched or traded. If you’re a star, it’s a different story — because then, you have already proven yourself, people trust you, and you have respect. Slumps happen, and you’ll probably bounce back. Otherwise, we’ll see you in the minors — or perhaps your career is just over.

When it comes to politics — the commander in chief specifically, the general manager — we have to endure the strikeouts in the clutch for four consecutive years unless someone is, of course, “not a crook.” And sometimes you might get fired for just being involved in a scandal of Lewinskian proportions. Which makes me wonder if Bill Clinton was using performance-enhancing drugs.

So what if we could trade George W. Bush to another nation?

See, the problem is we could only release him, because chances are, we couldn’t get any draft picks, cash, or governors to be named later. Most civilized countries just wouldn’t come to the table on it. Well, we could probably get that loose cannon from North Korea I guess. But we’re not in the business of even trades at the moment.

Perhaps we could demote Bush instead?

“Look Dubya, they need a mayor back down in Salome, West Texas.” (Everyone keep it quiet that Salome is a fictional town from the movie Tin Cup. )

No wait, I change my mind. We should be able to fire him in the middle of the season — just like big league managers. “Sorry, G.W., but our country is 27 games out of first place … we need to bring in someone fresh to tinker with the lineup.”

Bush’s run in the White House is worse than the Cubs; he’s not even lovable.

We all need to find our inner Steinbrenner — just clean house every once in a while — and be totally hostile in putting together a better team, no matter what it takes. Sure, the Steinbrenners are meddlesome — perhaps a little misguided — but at least passionate about the team.

New Yorkers are the perfect protesters. They don’t put up with a debacle whether it’s a point guard, head coach, manager or president. You think Isiah Thomas could possibly come back for one more term after the years he had? Joe Torre got canned for making the playoffs 12 straight seasons.

That’s the problem with us as Americans. We’re not vocal enough when it comes to politics; we’re the owners, remember? So let’s go out and hire Theo Epstein away from the Red Sox and maybe we can end the curse of the “Dumbino.” Until then, I guess we’ll just sit around having profanity-laced tirades that only Ozzie Guillen and Lee Elia could muster during a bad streak.

While there are a few devoted American patriots, there aren’t nearly enough carrying the “Fire Bush” signs at home games in Washington. I guess most of us can’t afford the gas to get up there — or perhaps are out of the country dodging car bombs.

I’m Den Cotton and I approve this message.

“Dissent is the highest form of patriotism”

– Howard Zinn