Den Cotton

As recently as yesterday, I learned that I might be one of the sexiest idiots in sports. Although I must say that she didn’t say it in a very sexy way — kinda oxymoronic I guess. However, I can’t vote for myself because that would be too self absorbed. I think I’m leading the All-Star voting for sexiest idiot, but this guy who put together the Top 12 Sexiest Female Sideline Reporters list is slowly gaining.

I started to feel pretty sexy and idiotic last week, and I’ll tell you why… When you say a lot of goofy things, and people get really mad at you, there is always at least one person who comes up with an original and beautifully-sarcastic response — like Bella:

“I think you’re kind of cute, in a nervous sort of way. Which means you would be the perfect man to go to the (soccer) match with. I could just smile dreamily while you rattled off stats to burn off that nervous energy for 90 plus minutes. You would be happy not to get a reply and I would be happy to tune out your chatter and enjoy the game.
If you were then cute afterwards when I had a chance to look you over and pay attention to whatever it was that you were saying for a minute…well, who knows?”

I know I’m weird, but I was totally turned on by that. I feel dirty now. Guys? See, taking time to script out an intelligently-written wisecrack is totally hotter than someone calling you names. But I’m a twisted person.

And without further ado, the list of Top 12 Sexiest Idiots In Sports…

12) Jay Mariotti – Perhaps the most hated sports columnist on the face of the planet – at least in Chicago. Clearly, not sexy in any way, shape, or form. But, he is popularly unpopular, giving him the ugly charm of your crotchety uncle, who hates everything except the stuff he likes. I believe Mariotti also has fat cash, which would make him sexy in some way — to a poor, unfortunate person.

11) Tony Kornheiser – Again, not beautiful, I know. My list is losing some credibility, but work with me here. Tony is a silly, old person, which I can respect, and Michael Wilbon makes him into a very likable idiot… something I can appreciate.

10) Rich Rodriguez – Clearly not a total idiot as West Virginia fan claims, and also not too sexy. However, he is sexy to talk about on the Internet, especially in Michigan.

9) Mike Greenberg – Co-host of Mike & Mike in the Morning and self-proclaimed ultimate metrosexual. Pretty sure his real identity is “Super Gay”, but he keeps claiming that he doesn’t have a man crush on Mike Golic. I don’t buy it.

Stephen A. Smith – OK, again, not exactly sexy either. But this is my perverted list. He’s a loud talker and overconfident, which makes him attractive to some chicks. I know a lot of folks don’t like Stephen A., but I’m not one of them. Some people have trouble separating entertainment and reality, and a lot of times, I just like to be entertained. I don’t agree with him much, but I used to listen to his show when it was on ESPN radio — to get some sports jollies.

7) Mark Schlereth – ESPN football analyst. Not sure he’s qualified to be an idiot, but he does make cameos on soap operas, intensifying his super sexiness. There had to be at least one mildly-attractive person on the list.

6) Dan Patrick – Clearly not at the top of the idiot list, but there are always some people out there who think you are an idiot. I think he’s got some real potential when Keith Olbermann joins him.

5) Tony Reali – Not sure what he does exactly, other than shout loudly at very unsexy people like Woody Paige and Jay Mariotti. Ultimately, that makes him a lot prettier. He seems like a game show host of a very frightening game show. His real identity as Stat Boy will soon be revealed by angry hockey chick.

4) Howie Long – Clearly the sexiest on the list, but doesn’t belong on the list of bona fide idiots. However, he is a former football player – which makes him a Neanderthal at heart. He exudes super sexy athlete funk.

3) Charles Barkley — Not sure if he’s an idiot, but he is clearly a dumbass now. I’ve watched it ten times and it never stops being funny. Consequently, Chuck is running for mayor of Barkleytown.

2) Alan Shore (James Spader) – OK, not a sports guy, but clearly very sexy, sexist, and knows how to score on Boston Legal – which is application for idiot status. My God, have you ever seen the movie Secretary? Personally, I had my eye on Maggie Gyllenhaal the entire time. All I can say is … sweet mother of pearl.

1) Colin Cowherd – Host of “The Herd” on ESPN Radio. Hands down winner of sexiest idiot. He’s not bad looking, and he’s the ultimate nonsense talker. He likes whole foods, stiff drinks, chicks that don’t like sports, and making fun of crazy die hard fans — which affords him the title of complete sexy bastard. The total package. Unfortunately for Colin, most people take him more seriously than he takes himself. But, he is still the sexiest idiot in sports. And I like chaos.

“I accept chaos, I’m not sure whether chaos accepts me.” – Bob Dylan

What Would Jesus Blog?

Well, I obviously cannot answer that without divine intervention. But a source close to Jesus — speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of the wrath of God and damnation to hell’s fire — tells me that The Chosen One is unhappy with plenty of things shaking out in the world, including the perennial letdowns of the Catholic church in the clutch, the college B.C.S. debacle, and Jesus Nation misusing his name.

While I had this limited lifeline to the Son of God, I thought I would find out what my source knows about the inner workings of The Savior, and what it’s like being the heart and soul of some of the biggest plays in sports. I quickly became disappointed to learn that God had absolutely no part in any Hail Mary play or Immaculate Reception. And he said that Notre Dame should never put faith in Touchdown Jesus, who was vacationing in the desert for more than 40 days and 40 nights last fall — clearly the wrong season to be acting holier than thou.

Meanwhile, my source confirmed that neither Jesus nor God is angry with ESPN’s Dana Jacobson for cursing at them and the University of Notre Dame during a drunken rant at a roast for talk show hosts Mike (Greenberg) & Mike (Golic) earlier this year. It is still unclear whether Jacobson actually said, “F*** Jesus,” “F*** Notre Dame”, F*** Touchdown Jesus,” or “F***em all.” But Jesus issued a press release saying “Notre Dame had an awful lineup last season and clearly, was F***ed without any help from Dana.” Jesus also acknowledged that Jacobson had turned water into wine at some point during the ceremony — so all is forgiven. He reportedly said he hadn’t seen anyone that drunk since Charlie Weis on Easter Sunday. Jacobson later apologized for the remarks and said she only wanted to know what it felt like “to be Catholic for a day.” And it is widely reported that, as part of her Lenten penance, Jacobson agreed to give up saying idiotic things while liquored up in public.

As expected, God announced that Rev. Jeremiah Wright is not — and never was — his agent. He reportedly said Wright was mainly a government experiment, and ultimately, will not change the course of religion, Barack Obama’s presidential bid, or the game of Scrabble. But make no mistake about it, he did intend for Hillary to have a fighting chance in the Democratic primary.

I was also surprised to learn that Jesus was quoted as saying, “The Saints sucked last year,” obviously animosity toward the Catholic church’s refusal to deal with its scandals properly. But he still doesn’t give a free pass to pastor and John McCain supporter John Hagee for trash talking Catholicism by proclaiming it to be “The Great Whore.” Jesus said Hagee also will announce his latent homosexuality — either proactively or in scandal — as punishment for his ridiculous statements blaming Hurricane Katrina on gay pride parades and sin in New Orleans. However, Jesus does agree the Wizards were well deserving of the Gayest Name in the NBA Award, as reported by the Serious Sports News Network. Jesus himself apparently is promoting a Hagee vs. Wright showdown, with the winner and loser being sentenced to 10 years of yoga in a godforsaken village where they will be officially rejected, denounced, disowned and deserted.

In somewhat of a conflict of interest, Jesus revealed he is a huge Devils fan and expects New Jersey to unleash a plague-like fury during the ‘08 - ‘09 NHL season. He likens his own style to that of goaltender Martin Brodeur, who has made quite a few quality “saves” in his career — but only those that will earn preferential treatment getting through the gates of the Prudential Center, and not the gates of heaven. Just another reason why both God and Jesus have become such followers of soccer, hockey, baseball, and those crazy hippies. But a very humble yet prophetic Jesus maintains that no one, in any league or all leagues of any kind combined, will ever break his career record for overall saves.

So I was getting a little selfish during the interview, and I wanted to know if Jesus could tell me what was wrong with my groin; and whether or not he could resurrect my B-league soccer career. My source said I probably didn’t have a real good shot at talking directly to J.C. without an appointment, but if I looked hard enough, I might find the answer in an unexpected place. And as I sat in the hospital, primed and ready for another C.T. scan, Pat Robertson appeared on the waiting room television. He was giving health advice to his followers, and said everyone should eat more peanuts and filberts. I wholeheartedly agreed with him for once, still wondering who in their right minds would actually take nutritional advice from a televangelist. But I knew he was right. And if I need a healthy dose of nuts, I can always turn on 700 Club when the cupboard is bare.

Those were really the only meaningful questions I had for Jesus. But my source stopped me, and said that God had one more important message for his people:

“While a fan of all teams of any race, creed, religion or sexual preference, God is very busy with many tragedies to dish out and fix up; and he doesn’t give two shits about championships in major sporting events including, but not limited to, the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, World Cup, NCAA, and especially Nascar … so you are wasting your goddamn time praying before the big event, assuming God cares or has time to miraculously affect the outcome, giving you some silly opportunity of shouting out ‘I just want to thank God,’ to a nationally-televised audience right before you announce your religious retreat to Disney World.”

Amen.

Let us go in peace.

“Your flag decal won’t get you into heaven anymore” — John Prine