Den Cotton

What Would Jesus Blog?

Well, I obviously cannot answer that without divine intervention. But a source close to Jesus — speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of the wrath of God and damnation to hell’s fire — tells me that The Chosen One is unhappy with plenty of things shaking out in the world, including the perennial letdowns of the Catholic church in the clutch, the college B.C.S. debacle, and Jesus Nation misusing his name.

While I had this limited lifeline to the Son of God, I thought I would find out what my source knows about the inner workings of The Savior, and what it’s like being the heart and soul of some of the biggest plays in sports. I quickly became disappointed to learn that God had absolutely no part in any Hail Mary play or Immaculate Reception. And he said that Notre Dame should never put faith in Touchdown Jesus, who was vacationing in the desert for more than 40 days and 40 nights last fall — clearly the wrong season to be acting holier than thou.

Meanwhile, my source confirmed that neither Jesus nor God is angry with ESPN’s Dana Jacobson for cursing at them and the University of Notre Dame during a drunken rant at a roast for talk show hosts Mike (Greenberg) & Mike (Golic) earlier this year. It is still unclear whether Jacobson actually said, “F*** Jesus,” “F*** Notre Dame”, F*** Touchdown Jesus,” or “F***em all.” But Jesus issued a press release saying “Notre Dame had an awful lineup last season and clearly, was F***ed without any help from Dana.” Jesus also acknowledged that Jacobson had turned water into wine at some point during the ceremony — so all is forgiven. He reportedly said he hadn’t seen anyone that drunk since Charlie Weis on Easter Sunday. Jacobson later apologized for the remarks and said she only wanted to know what it felt like “to be Catholic for a day.” And it is widely reported that, as part of her Lenten penance, Jacobson agreed to give up saying idiotic things while liquored up in public.

As expected, God announced that Rev. Jeremiah Wright is not — and never was — his agent. He reportedly said Wright was mainly a government experiment, and ultimately, will not change the course of religion, Barack Obama’s presidential bid, or the game of Scrabble. But make no mistake about it, he did intend for Hillary to have a fighting chance in the Democratic primary.

I was also surprised to learn that Jesus was quoted as saying, “The Saints sucked last year,” obviously animosity toward the Catholic church’s refusal to deal with its scandals properly. But he still doesn’t give a free pass to pastor and John McCain supporter John Hagee for trash talking Catholicism by proclaiming it to be “The Great Whore.” Jesus said Hagee also will announce his latent homosexuality — either proactively or in scandal — as punishment for his ridiculous statements blaming Hurricane Katrina on gay pride parades and sin in New Orleans. However, Jesus does agree the Wizards were well deserving of the Gayest Name in the NBA Award, as reported by the Serious Sports News Network. Jesus himself apparently is promoting a Hagee vs. Wright showdown, with the winner and loser being sentenced to 10 years of yoga in a godforsaken village where they will be officially rejected, denounced, disowned and deserted.

In somewhat of a conflict of interest, Jesus revealed he is a huge Devils fan and expects New Jersey to unleash a plague-like fury during the ‘08 - ‘09 NHL season. He likens his own style to that of goaltender Martin Brodeur, who has made quite a few quality “saves” in his career — but only those that will earn preferential treatment getting through the gates of the Prudential Center, and not the gates of heaven. Just another reason why both God and Jesus have become such followers of soccer, hockey, baseball, and those crazy hippies. But a very humble yet prophetic Jesus maintains that no one, in any league or all leagues of any kind combined, will ever break his career record for overall saves.

So I was getting a little selfish during the interview, and I wanted to know if Jesus could tell me what was wrong with my groin; and whether or not he could resurrect my B-league soccer career. My source said I probably didn’t have a real good shot at talking directly to J.C. without an appointment, but if I looked hard enough, I might find the answer in an unexpected place. And as I sat in the hospital, primed and ready for another C.T. scan, Pat Robertson appeared on the waiting room television. He was giving health advice to his followers, and said everyone should eat more peanuts and filberts. I wholeheartedly agreed with him for once, still wondering who in their right minds would actually take nutritional advice from a televangelist. But I knew he was right. And if I need a healthy dose of nuts, I can always turn on 700 Club when the cupboard is bare.

Those were really the only meaningful questions I had for Jesus. But my source stopped me, and said that God had one more important message for his people:

“While a fan of all teams of any race, creed, religion or sexual preference, God is very busy with many tragedies to dish out and fix up; and he doesn’t give two shits about championships in major sporting events including, but not limited to, the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, World Cup, NCAA, and especially Nascar … so you are wasting your goddamn time praying before the big event, assuming God cares or has time to miraculously affect the outcome, giving you some silly opportunity of shouting out ‘I just want to thank God,’ to a nationally-televised audience right before you announce your religious retreat to Disney World.”

Amen.

Let us go in peace.

“Your flag decal won’t get you into heaven anymore” — John Prine