Den Cotton

I’m feeling a little more A.D.D. than usual today. And being the super-spaz child that I am inside, I’m looking for answers to a thousand (and one) questions. Discuss amongst yourselves… please help me answer my most pressing doubts, concerns, and fears. Take your time… this is one of those new age classrooms where we give you all the time you need to finish your work…

1) Who will lead the NBA in ATA (ass taste average) next season? 1A) Could Barack Obama go old school on Jesse Jackson with a “Tell me how my nuts taste” freestyle rap?

2) How awful will Michigan be with Rich Rodriguez this season? 2a) How good will West Virginia be without RR? 3A) Will WVU take the buyout settlement cash and celebrate all the victories RR gave them?

3) Will Aaron Rodgers officially retire this season in Brett Favre’s shadow? 3A) When Favre sent a text message to Ted Thompson, did the Packers GM reply with WTF, OMFG, STFU, or TTYL?

4) Will Detroit declare Kid Rock its own Johnny Cash after his All Summer Long smash hit?

5) If the Yankees manage to earn a playoff spot, will the New York Post call it the Sticky & Sweet Tour? 5A) Will Jeter stop playing hard to get now?

6) When we’re all homeless during the NBA finals next year, will illegal immigrants teach us to grow and pick our own vegetables — or will they hold a grudge?

7) Why should we care about MLS soccer when its teams continue to lose in the Open Cup against squads from less notable leagues? 7A) Will U.S. soccer fans quit whining about their second rate fields and stadiums until their teams are actually legitimate? 7B) How is it possible for the LA Galaxy defense to suck so badly?

8.5) When the Cubs lose in the playoffs, who will dress up as the scapegoat mascot?

9) Will people stop pretending that tennis is exciting to watch on TV? 9A) If there were a grunt-off in women’s tennis, who would win Wimbledon? 9B) Is the art of grunting more valuable on clay or grass?

10) If the price of gas keeps climbing, will we have the pleasure of seeing less Nascar? 10A) Is it o.k. to discriminate against racing or is that reverse racism?

11) If two lesbians are making out at the ballpark, do you alert security or just pretend you’re in the porno Where’s the Italian Sausage?

12) If the aging veteran McCain knocks off diaper dandy Barack Obama this fall in the presidential finals, will he get a shoe deal from the Capitol Senior Living Center?

13) If no one is there to see it, does the NHL really make a noise when it falls in the woods?

14) If horse racing were banned, would anyone actually consider living in Kentucky?

15) Will Congress investigate performance enhancing vocals on pop radio?

“You’re looking down again
and then you look me over
we’re laying down again
on a blanket in the clover
the same boy you’ve always known
well I guess I haven’t grown”– jack white III

Well, as usual, I have some really bad advice for any of the loyal lima bean disciples out there who have been following along. Just depending on how twisted of an individual you are at heart, this could be really important knowledge to carry with you in the quest of the perfect party.

I just thought I would offer up some ideas, actually dos and don’ts — well only don’ts — for your next throwdown.

If you decide to have a soirée, it is quite clear you should refrain from bringing any of the following : Rich Rodriguez, Bill O’ Reilly, Keith Olbermann, a soccer ball, and a six pack of illegal immigrants. These are all the things that can ruin a good time, and ultimately cause people to think your party stinks.

You can bring Bill O’ or K.O., but not both. That would be the worst party in the world.

You can maybe bring a soccer ball — if you get the ok from the host ahead of time — but you can’t invite disgruntled American soccer fan, who clearly has a chip on his shoulder about loving a sport, which is still second class in the U.S. It’s ok soccer fan. I’ve accepted that not everyone is going to like soccer as much as I do either. I just feel very European inside, and it makes me feel more worldly.

Do not show up with former West Virginia head football coach Rich Rodriguez unless the party is in Ann Arbor. Personally, I would party with him like no tomorrow because he got something like $4 million — well, not exactly I guess — for doing nothing, except winning a lot of games. He just kinda left the party early ya know, and didn’t even help clean up the mess. West Virginia fan, I know you say you are “over” RR. I just don’t believe you. Look, I know I sound like a jerk, but it hurts. I still haven’t completely gotten over the breakup with my last girlfriend — and that was over two years ago. I’m doing much better now and it gets easier every day, especially if you have an awesome new girlfriend or excellent head coach — which I have neither. It’s barely been a few months for you. It is better just to accept that it didn’t work out the way you wanted — despite the breach of contract — and everything will heal in time.

Under no circumstances can you bring illegal immigrants to the party — even if they pick all the fruit and vegetables for the shindig. If the party gets really hot and the roof catches fire, they might even fix it for you the next morning if you buy the shingles. Hell, they might even put in a new floor if the party gets really crazy. Seriously though, it’s better to not be a hypocrite, and just never let them in the back door for all the fun. They can cook good food, sing, dance, and probably clean up after the party is over. You won’t have to lift a finger. But they will probably just mooch off of you for the rest of your life, because they are total parasites — from what I hear — and will ruin a good party if you let them. Next thing you know, there are 30 million of ‘em running around unannounced, kicking soccer balls all over the lawn they just fixed up for you.

Personally, I think it would be a fun party if you brought everybody, but I like a good sideshow.

“They’re selling postcards of the hanging
They’re painting the passports brown
The beauty parlor is filled with sailors
The circus is in town
Here comes the blind commissioner
They’ve got him in a trance
One hand is tied to the tight-rope walker
The other is in his pants
And the riot squad they’re restless
They need somewhere to go
As lady and I look out tonight
From desolation row”

– Bob Dylan

Dear Soccer/Fútbol:

I just wanted to apologize from the bottom of my heart for all of the horrible things I said about you when I wrote the headline “If Illegal immigration is such a huge problem, why does soccer still suck in America?”

I know you don’t suck in America even though there are more popular sports like baseball, basketball, and football. You are very talented, and still popular among the people who really count, just like the indie bands I listen to over the Top 40 garbage I hear on the radio every day. MLS — while getting better each and every day — is not as exciting as the Premier League, but I don’t care. Soccer, I just want you. I’ll do anything to get you back. You are as sexy as ever, and I can’t live without you.

The truth is that I used you; used you in the worst way. I was trying to be cutely poignant in displaying my radical viewpoint that we, as a country, are taking the easy way out in turning our backs on a hard-working race of people by wanting to kick them out, while putting a lock on our borders, instead of creating better initiatives as well as programs to support a more logical way of ensuring that all residents can be productive and contribute culturally to a nation of immigrants, eliminating the idea of illegal human being status. Even though we stole their land in the 1800s, they still want to come over and teach us to play your wonderful game of fútbol. I think that says a lot about a group that could forgive so easily, and still want to mingle with us imperialists. Even though I said those nasty things about you, I hope you can see now that I didn’t mean to hurt you with my bizarre behavior.

I realize now that I shouldn’t have made a fool of you for my own political gain. If it makes you feel any better, there are a lot of people who think that I’m a total nutjob because of all the outlandish things I said.

Anyway, I still think you are beautiful — the most beautiful game — even in America. I’ve loved you since I was 6 years old. I think you have raised some of the most talented players in the world, in any sport — despite the fact that there are still a lot of prima donna crybabies and divers. I can even accept Cristiano Ronaldo since he has such skill and mastery of the ball. I know that you can’t parent every player to be perfect, and they will all have some flaws.

The next time I need to make a point, I surely will choose something else to exploit. I will also try to be less vague, although I can’t promise it won’t be politically charged, no matter how silly or nonsensical my analogies, figurative speech, and allusion happen to be.

If you take me back, I will try to support you better — in good times and in bad — even though I don’t think you will ever be loved as much in America as in Europe. But that’s ok. You still make my heart flutter and that’s all that matters. We could even renew our vows — that is, if you want …

I know I don’t always say and do the right things — being the silly and sometimes insensitive person that I am — but I’m hoping you can see the beauty that’s in me too, even when I act downright stupid. Don’t let this ruin our marriage.

So let’s grow old together and raise lots of fans. What do you say? Maybe together, we can win the World Cup in America one day.

Love,

Den

“I’m coming through the door
but they’re expecting more
of an interesting man
sometimes I think I can
but how much can I fake
I’ll speak until I break
with every word I say
offend in every way”

jack white III

Every Sunday, I venture out to the local soccer complex where my former B-league club, Stumptown All-Stars — more affectionately known as (the) All-Stars — fearlessly take the pitch for another intense match. And there is usually no shortage of Latino players on any given Sunday, or any day of the week for that matter, at most of the fields in town.

I’m not one of those guys who immediately wonders if any or all of them are illegal aliens nor do I really care much. But I have thoughts albeit different ones; thoughts to their story. How did they get here? And why?

I once overheard this comment from an opposing player when a group of Latino players arrived for their game:

“They must have just gotten off the bus,” he said (with a British laugh) only within earshot of a handful of acquaintances and teammates. I wondered if he had just gotten off the plane. Perhaps he was right, but how could he have any idea of their status?

There are a couple of teams in the league which feature almost a full lineup of Latino players. And there is no question that they take their soccer seriously — at least more seriously than the All-Stars — but not anymore than a lot of the other clubs dominated by American players, who seem to think they are playing in the MLS. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that soccer players — of any ethnicity — are the biggest prima donna crybabies in the world; especially in the World Cup.

I suppose this so-called “immigration problem” is an issue that hits home with me since I worked with a lot of Latino men and women in the orchard business, who I don’t know for sure were legal. And so it’s a long debate of the many intricacies surrounding illegal immigration, ranging from stresses on the health care system to its effect on wages and jobs in the U.S.

I was interested to learn recently that one of the problems with hiring American workers in the landscaping business — young people especially — is that they sometimes will not last on the job, many quitting after a few days due to the demands of hard labor. Which results in losses — lost time and investment — for the business owner, making it very attractive to hire illegals.

But my hypothetical question is this … If you lived below poverty level in Pennsylvania but could move to New York, make twenty times the amount of money — even though it was illegal — with the likelihood of not getting caught, would you do it for your family?

The biggest problems in this country do not involve illegal aliens although we like to believe so. We find it convenient to point toward these things without truly analyzing the broader scope of issues within ourselves and our own government, which has made illegal immigration an issue due to its blunders and missteps not only at home, but also abroad in the never-ending quest of imperialism; its warring business; and its current Team America: World Police of Dubya & Co.

Issues like immigration come to the forefront when leaders are too busy meddling in affairs of other countries — when it is unwarranted — while forgetting to manage their own backyard.

Last year, I went on a quest to better understand the foibles of government past and present — a conscious effort of brainwashing if you will — and so I picked up A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn, which is a very intriguing read, although admittedly, I haven’t finished it. It gives an account from “the people” affected by government — in many cases, the disenfranchised — rather than the usual run-of-the-mill school text book, government-style perspective. It helped me to get in touch with my inner hippie, liberal commie, anti-establishment side.

So putting my hummus plate and veggie burrito aside for a moment, I wouldn’t say that illegal immigration is not an issue, but it is not THE issue.

Sure, I get a little frustrated when some of the Latino soccer clubs bring out a mariachi band to midfield after scoring their tenth goal against us. But I’m just pissed because they humiliated us, and not because I think they are all freeloading border jumpers.

And even if they are, soccer still sucks in America pal, further proving illegal immigration is a secondary issue to the real American problem.

“White Americans, what?
Nothing better to do?
Why don’t you kick yourself out?
You’re an immigrant too.
Who’s usin’ who?
What should we do?
Well you can’t be a pimp
And a prostitute too”

— White Stripes