Den Cotton

A little known fact: A Wolverine is in the Weasel family.

When the Serious Sports News Network reported in January claims by West Virginia University indicating former head football coach Rich Rodriguez was an illegal alien, I knew Mountaineer fans were not messing around in the least about their hometown hero turned prodigal son. The only problem with that gridiron tale of biblical proportions is that WVU fans are in no mood to welcome Rodriguez home with open arms — ever — after he took the cash and ran to Michigan for a seemingly bigger stage with bigger lights.

But is the current brand of football better in Ann Arbor — or just history? I guess we’ll have to ask App State that question. Enough of the cheap shots, let’s get in the huddle.

So by now, you probably figured out that WVU’s claim of Rodriguez being an illegal alien was just a goofy hoax, a rumor, or fictional account — or was it? After reading a few threads on a couple of WVU fan websites, I began to realize the issue is probably more serious than SSNN originally reported. And I’m wondering now if RR — as he is lovingly referred to in parts of Morgantown — is doomed to fall off another mountain top at Michigan. Hey, at least he doesn’t have a bad case of B.O. like a certain Illinois senator seemed to have Tuesday in West Virginia.

The RR controversy — a derailment as it were — is sliding further and further off the tracks. WVU still wants its money from the $4 million buyout clause bonanza — or more appropriately, sellout clause in WVU circles.

I won’t attempt to layout all of the details and allegations in this case — enough accusations to make your head spin faster than watching a Sooner cheerleader chase WVU Playboy All-American QB Pat White — which range from document shredding to having phone sex with former Indiana head basketball coach Kelvin Sampson. OK, there probably isn’t any truth to that last part.

So, my question is, what made Rodriguez hop on the first mountain train outta there? What is it that we haven’t been told? Why did he feel pressure to sign a contract with a buyout clause if he had NO thoughts of leaving soon?

We all know how tough it is to please the Tide with all those Bear Bryant signs around town. So it shouldn’t have come as any surprise that Rodriguez gave a “thanks, but no thanks” to Alabama, essentially saying WVU was “home sweet home”, at least until foreclosure. And apparently, West Virginia wasted no time in changing the name on the door once the bubble burst. I read in Wikipedia that two signs proclaiming Grant Town as the home of Rodriguez were ordered to be taken down less than 24 hours after he accepted the Michigan offer. That is real hit’em in the mouth football!

In December 2006, Rodriguez was quoted in this ESPN report after turning down Alabama:

“There weren’t many reasons not to go. It’s all about the reasons for staying,” Rodriguez said. “I’m biased, this is my school. I think it’s a great place to raise a family. We’ve always had a great athletic tradition.”

Doh! I’ve always been a little skeptical when it comes to the whole cliché-tossing routine of “It’s a great place to raise a family.” I interviewed a high school football coach (in Alabama) who threw that same line at me once when I met him — and a few months later, he was run out of town for having an alleged affair with the volleyball coach.

So will the love or lust with Michigan last? What say ye Mountaineers?

I guess we’ll find out after the Ohio State game.

“I don’t feel you anymore
You darken my door
Whatever you’re looking for
Hey, don’t come around here no more”

– Tom Petty

What Would Jesus Blog?

Well, I obviously cannot answer that without divine intervention. But a source close to Jesus — speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of the wrath of God and damnation to hell’s fire — tells me that The Chosen One is unhappy with plenty of things shaking out in the world, including the perennial letdowns of the Catholic church in the clutch, the college B.C.S. debacle, and Jesus Nation misusing his name.

While I had this limited lifeline to the Son of God, I thought I would find out what my source knows about the inner workings of The Savior, and what it’s like being the heart and soul of some of the biggest plays in sports. I quickly became disappointed to learn that God had absolutely no part in any Hail Mary play or Immaculate Reception. And he said that Notre Dame should never put faith in Touchdown Jesus, who was vacationing in the desert for more than 40 days and 40 nights last fall — clearly the wrong season to be acting holier than thou.

Meanwhile, my source confirmed that neither Jesus nor God is angry with ESPN’s Dana Jacobson for cursing at them and the University of Notre Dame during a drunken rant at a roast for talk show hosts Mike (Greenberg) & Mike (Golic) earlier this year. It is still unclear whether Jacobson actually said, “F*** Jesus,” “F*** Notre Dame”, F*** Touchdown Jesus,” or “F***em all.” But Jesus issued a press release saying “Notre Dame had an awful lineup last season and clearly, was F***ed without any help from Dana.” Jesus also acknowledged that Jacobson had turned water into wine at some point during the ceremony — so all is forgiven. He reportedly said he hadn’t seen anyone that drunk since Charlie Weis on Easter Sunday. Jacobson later apologized for the remarks and said she only wanted to know what it felt like “to be Catholic for a day.” And it is widely reported that, as part of her Lenten penance, Jacobson agreed to give up saying idiotic things while liquored up in public.

As expected, God announced that Rev. Jeremiah Wright is not — and never was — his agent. He reportedly said Wright was mainly a government experiment, and ultimately, will not change the course of religion, Barack Obama’s presidential bid, or the game of Scrabble. But make no mistake about it, he did intend for Hillary to have a fighting chance in the Democratic primary.

I was also surprised to learn that Jesus was quoted as saying, “The Saints sucked last year,” obviously animosity toward the Catholic church’s refusal to deal with its scandals properly. But he still doesn’t give a free pass to pastor and John McCain supporter John Hagee for trash talking Catholicism by proclaiming it to be “The Great Whore.” Jesus said Hagee also will announce his latent homosexuality — either proactively or in scandal — as punishment for his ridiculous statements blaming Hurricane Katrina on gay pride parades and sin in New Orleans. However, Jesus does agree the Wizards were well deserving of the Gayest Name in the NBA Award, as reported by the Serious Sports News Network. Jesus himself apparently is promoting a Hagee vs. Wright showdown, with the winner and loser being sentenced to 10 years of yoga in a godforsaken village where they will be officially rejected, denounced, disowned and deserted.

In somewhat of a conflict of interest, Jesus revealed he is a huge Devils fan and expects New Jersey to unleash a plague-like fury during the ‘08 - ‘09 NHL season. He likens his own style to that of goaltender Martin Brodeur, who has made quite a few quality “saves” in his career — but only those that will earn preferential treatment getting through the gates of the Prudential Center, and not the gates of heaven. Just another reason why both God and Jesus have become such followers of soccer, hockey, baseball, and those crazy hippies. But a very humble yet prophetic Jesus maintains that no one, in any league or all leagues of any kind combined, will ever break his career record for overall saves.

So I was getting a little selfish during the interview, and I wanted to know if Jesus could tell me what was wrong with my groin; and whether or not he could resurrect my B-league soccer career. My source said I probably didn’t have a real good shot at talking directly to J.C. without an appointment, but if I looked hard enough, I might find the answer in an unexpected place. And as I sat in the hospital, primed and ready for another C.T. scan, Pat Robertson appeared on the waiting room television. He was giving health advice to his followers, and said everyone should eat more peanuts and filberts. I wholeheartedly agreed with him for once, still wondering who in their right minds would actually take nutritional advice from a televangelist. But I knew he was right. And if I need a healthy dose of nuts, I can always turn on 700 Club when the cupboard is bare.

Those were really the only meaningful questions I had for Jesus. But my source stopped me, and said that God had one more important message for his people:

“While a fan of all teams of any race, creed, religion or sexual preference, God is very busy with many tragedies to dish out and fix up; and he doesn’t give two shits about championships in major sporting events including, but not limited to, the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, World Cup, NCAA, and especially Nascar … so you are wasting your goddamn time praying before the big event, assuming God cares or has time to miraculously affect the outcome, giving you some silly opportunity of shouting out ‘I just want to thank God,’ to a nationally-televised audience right before you announce your religious retreat to Disney World.”

Amen.

Let us go in peace.

“Your flag decal won’t get you into heaven anymore” — John Prine