Den Cotton

I’m feeling a little more A.D.D. than usual today. And being the super-spaz child that I am inside, I’m looking for answers to a thousand (and one) questions. Discuss amongst yourselves… please help me answer my most pressing doubts, concerns, and fears. Take your time… this is one of those new age classrooms where we give you all the time you need to finish your work…

1) Who will lead the NBA in ATA (ass taste average) next season? 1A) Could Barack Obama go old school on Jesse Jackson with a “Tell me how my nuts taste” freestyle rap?

2) How awful will Michigan be with Rich Rodriguez this season? 2a) How good will West Virginia be without RR? 3A) Will WVU take the buyout settlement cash and celebrate all the victories RR gave them?

3) Will Aaron Rodgers officially retire this season in Brett Favre’s shadow? 3A) When Favre sent a text message to Ted Thompson, did the Packers GM reply with WTF, OMFG, STFU, or TTYL?

4) Will Detroit declare Kid Rock its own Johnny Cash after his All Summer Long smash hit?

5) If the Yankees manage to earn a playoff spot, will the New York Post call it the Sticky & Sweet Tour? 5A) Will Jeter stop playing hard to get now?

6) When we’re all homeless during the NBA finals next year, will illegal immigrants teach us to grow and pick our own vegetables — or will they hold a grudge?

7) Why should we care about MLS soccer when its teams continue to lose in the Open Cup against squads from less notable leagues? 7A) Will U.S. soccer fans quit whining about their second rate fields and stadiums until their teams are actually legitimate? 7B) How is it possible for the LA Galaxy defense to suck so badly?

8.5) When the Cubs lose in the playoffs, who will dress up as the scapegoat mascot?

9) Will people stop pretending that tennis is exciting to watch on TV? 9A) If there were a grunt-off in women’s tennis, who would win Wimbledon? 9B) Is the art of grunting more valuable on clay or grass?

10) If the price of gas keeps climbing, will we have the pleasure of seeing less Nascar? 10A) Is it o.k. to discriminate against racing or is that reverse racism?

11) If two lesbians are making out at the ballpark, do you alert security or just pretend you’re in the porno Where’s the Italian Sausage?

12) If the aging veteran McCain knocks off diaper dandy Barack Obama this fall in the presidential finals, will he get a shoe deal from the Capitol Senior Living Center?

13) If no one is there to see it, does the NHL really make a noise when it falls in the woods?

14) If horse racing were banned, would anyone actually consider living in Kentucky?

15) Will Congress investigate performance enhancing vocals on pop radio?

“You’re looking down again
and then you look me over
we’re laying down again
on a blanket in the clover
the same boy you’ve always known
well I guess I haven’t grown”– jack white III

I’m not sure what Barack Obama did to the state of West Virginia — racking up losses in every county — but clearly he must be buddying up with former head football coach Rich Rodriguez to fall so heavily in Mountaineer country during the Democratic Primary.

Hillary Clinton easily won with 67 percent of the vote to Obama’s 25.7 percent. West Virginia hadn’t delivered a beat down like that since crushing Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl 48-28 back in January.

While most of the pundits have already hoisted the Democratic cup for Obama — the math showing a clear victor without some kind of Hail Mary play against the Ducks next week — Clinton is trucking on, hoping for another landslide margin in Kentucky although Oregon is likely to stand in the way of any chance the senator from New York has in pulling off the upset down the stretch.

If Obama wants a Derby-like victory in the Bluegrass State, he better bring Big Brown or Muhammad Ali with him — to even have a fighting chance.

But one thing is clear, and that is Clinton needing to complete the Triple Crown next Tuesday — despite a 20-length victory in West Virginia — for an unprecedented comeback in the late rounds.